AAPL has been bouncing around like a Jack Russell Terrier with a tick on its ass. It just depends on what the latest rumor or prediction is, and who made it.

I’m still buying. You do what you want.

…

WWDC is just around the corner. Apple is going to announce some neat stuff. I, myself, personally think they’re going to introduce a new peanut butter sandwich. I know they won’t be first to market, but they weren’t first to market with mp3 players either, and that worked out okay.

…

Tim Cook is in Washingon, D.C., this week to defend Apple obeying tax laws. Shameful. Our government seems to be of a mind that if you have a certain amount of money it’s just not fair that you aren’t coughing up more of it. That’s not because they’re necessarily corrupt and evil, although enough of them are that; they’re stupid and they’re assholes, which achieves most of the same results.

…

Big news: iTunes 11.0.3

Meh.

…

Briefly, on the current state of politics, there are two distinct and different possibilities:

1. Top administration officials are lying like a cheap toupee.

2. Top administration officials are not competent to do their jobs.

One or the other must be true. The only third possibility is that they are lying because they want to hide their incompetence, and they’re incompetent at lying.

…

This just in. Deep Somethingorother has been reporting from deep in the bowels of Apple’s dungeons to bring us leading edge information on the Apple products to be introduced in June.

Apple will introduce the iBand. It will look like one of those rubber things everybody wears to signify one thing and another. I love those things. They let everyone know that you care about looking like you give a shit. Because it isn’t important whether you really do anything about whatever the cause du jour is, as long as you wear a useless trinket that says you care. Anyway, the iBand won’t have a screen, or even any buttons. It will just sit there on your arm. It will identify you to any Mac you sit down in front of and want to use.

As soon as you sit down, the iBand will log you into the cloud and your personal settings will immediately manifest them on the computer. Your desktop, applications, email messages, Safari home page, iTunes playlists, everything will be just like you left it when you stood up from that last Mac you used.

It will also order your dinner and beverage from room service by comparing the room service menu to your most common preference.

…

The new iTV will be even more remarkable. There won’t be channels, only apps for each content provider that wants into your face. You only get the ones you want. You can get the ad-supported free app for each provider or you can buy the ad-free versions.

…

The new MacPro is the piéce de resistánce. It will come standard with a 250Gb fusion drive, 10 Gb of RAM, and a one year supply of Tea Tree Oil shampoo.

…

There won’t be any new iPods. I heard they’ll be serving beer at Moscone this year. That should improve everything.

…

Everybody is expecting Tim Cook to break away from his black dress shirt habit and move to something a little more colorful  and relaxed – possibly a caftan.

…

I’ve been remiss in my duties lately. I’ve been reading the innertubes, but I haven’t been sharing anything with anybody about it because, well, nothing significant is being said.

Apple is asking for a tax holiday so they can bring a hundred and some billions of dollars back to the USA. That would be kind of nice. In the meantime they issued a bond and they’re going to give shareholders some money. I like that.

…

IDC said Apple’s tablet market share is slipping because more “Android” tablets “shipped.” That’s different from people “buying” more of another brand of tablet. Shipping is a fairly broad word that describes pretty much any movement of items or material over a significant distance. When material moves from my house to the landfill, it’s considered shipping. When the truck is done cleaning out porta-potties and is rolling down the road to deposit its load, that’s shipping. Apple reports units sold.

When bozos discuss Apple’s slipping market share, they always compare “shipping” numbers. Meaningless. I’d like to know how many people are actually buying.

This only matters because the people who buy and sell AAPL in large quantities – who I always hoped would be smarter than that – are tricked by this language manipulation. Competitively speaking, if the standards were the same for all the companies being compared, Apple is kicking EVERYBODY’S asses.

…

Have you noticed AAPL is tanking?

Forbes says Apple is doomed. Actually, it’s a guy named Peter Cohan, who I never heard of, who gives seven reasons. He bases his entire argument on arguing with Henry Blodget.  So we have one asshat hit-whore arguing with another asshat hit-whore about what works better on the corner of Apple Street and FUD boulevard.

1. “The stock is expensive” according to numbers he made up on the spot.

2. “Apple has nothing new in the pipeline”"I don’t see another wave forming, so that must have been the last one,” said a drunk guy at the beach. According to Peter, who’s quoting Blodget, who’s an asshat, The iPhone 5S is the main engine for future excitement about Apple products. One un-sourced opinion based on no facts except the un-sourced opinion of a known assclown presented as a factual basis for a two-page piece of trollery that would gladden John C. Dvorak.

3. “Without Steve Jobs, Apple’s management has lost the ability to innovate” He wrote that. I’m still sitting here reading it. Tim Cook is not Steve Jobs. This statement, used as evidence or illustration of anything at all, proves that the typist has absolutely nothing of value to say.

4. “A cheaper iPhone marks the end of Apple’s leadership” There is no cheaper iPhone, yet. But Henry Blodget said the cheaper iPhone will boost the company, and Peter says it won’t. There’s a mirage up ahead. Do you think it has IPA or Hefeweizen?

5. “Betting on lower expectations is not a good investment strategy” I’ll figure that out and get back to you.

6. “A new TV or wristwatch won’t revive Apple’s growth” There are no credible reports of either one.

7. “Apple is not well-positioned strategically” Compared to whom? Roughly 75% of the profit in apps, about the same in smartphones. The only PC not bleeding sales. The word “tablet” means “iPad” the same way that “Obama” means “Lame Duck.” Exactly what about their strategic position is not “well?” Somebody tell me what position is strategically weller than having all the fucking chips?

…

Here’s the link, if you must. I wouldn’t if I were you.

…

All the reason you need for a Canada.

I’ve been saying for a long time that Microsoft is dead. I’ve probably been saying it as long as this blog has been ignored. Well, I still think it’s true. The king is dead, long live the king.

Windows had its day in the sun. It’s toast. Windows Ate is convincing people not to buy a new PC because it’s too radically different from anything they’ve seen before. I have a good friend who’s a die-hard Windows loyalist. His next computer will be a Mac. Why? Because Windows 8 is roughly as popular as a root canal, and only a little more painful. If people don’t buy new Windows PCs, they don’t get new Windows. People are buying tablets. That”s code for iPads.

Office is dead, too. The iOS/Android versions of Office are a year away. I got that news here. The Windows version is limping along only because of the installed base, and the Mac version only exists because of the vestiges of Windows 7 in government and other large bureaucracies.

All those are symptoms of the illness. The disease is the lack of innovation from Redmond for almost twenty years coupled with the same lack of anything significantly new from their host computer companies for the same period.

The mighty Dell behemoth looks like it might fall first. It’s doubtful any of the others will step in and take those sales; the sales will just not happen. People will buy Macs or tablets (iPads). As one clone-maker after another falls, Windows will finally reach a tipping point where it’s no longer worth the effort for Microsoft to support it of upgrade it. Then the last holdouts will either collapse or move to other operating systems.

Ubuntu.

…

Around June-ish, Apple is going to introduce some bad-ass hardware and software. When they do, they’re going to put the world on notice – you copy this stuff and our lawyers are going slice, dice, mince, chop, pureé, and julienne your sorry-ass company. Depend on it.

…

Remember, you read it here first, unless you’re reading this post for the second time – in which case you may have read it somewhere else first.

…

Rock and roll the old-fashioned way.

Android is winning.

I’d like to also note that Tim Cook is not (in case you don’t watch the news) Steve Jobs. He is also not Jim Thorpe, Abraham Lincoln, Albert Einstein, Moses, Jimmy the Greek, or Kurt Vonnegut. It’s also entirely possible that he isn’t Elvis Presley or Jim Morrison.

…

There is no news.

Well, Ken Segall says Apple’s naming convention for the iPhone is lame. He worked with Apple as a branding guru for more than 10 years. He might be right.

Here’s a quote:

“I think it’s safe to say that if you’re looking for a new car,” Segall writes, “you’re looking for a 2013 model — not a 2012S. What’s important is that you get the latest and greatest… If it’s worthy of being a new model, it’s worthy of having its own number.”

That’s why GM renames the Camaro, Corvette, and Impala every year. Ford Mustang? Dodge Viper? They might get new numbers. Quick, off the top of your head, what’s the new number for a 2013 Toyota Tundra?

Ken. Go fish.

I have an idea as a stockholder, thus part owner, of Apple. Let’s release a new phone often enough to be selling the best phone on the planet. Then we’ll update the name so you can tell which is the most recent release. Major upgrades get a new number, incremental upgrades get a suffix. Then let’s take three fourths of the profit in the smartphone market.

Whaddya think, Tim? Are you with me?

Just keep sending me those dividends.

And that about takes care of the news.

…

I had a 1985 Silverado. It turns out if you want a Chevy truck, you can get a 2013 Silverado. Not even an “S.” Weird.

…

I just want to mention, briefly, that Windows 8 is the new Vista. Here’s why: Windows 8 Home Premium, Windows 8 Pro, Windows 8 Enterprise, Windows RT. Each one has its own price.

I have Mountain Lion. It’s the full version. I paid the basic version price. Mountain Lion Plain is the same as Mountain Lion Super Ultra Premium with Bacon and Sour Cream and Extra Cheese. I paid $20 to put it on four computers. I think it sucks that Microsoft can’t figure that out. They’re a Washington State business – my home. I want them to succeed and pay massive piles of state taxes and employ vast swaths of the population. Instead they could suck start a 787.

…