Apple is being sued.

Write that down. Refer to it once a day.

If you need details on the ever-changing lawsuit Apple is either the plaintiff or defendant in, just enter Apple and Lawsuit into your search engine of choice. I got 307,000 results.

Damn.

In other news…

The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration is predicting an Easterly sunrise tomorrow.

A diet rich in fresh fruit and vegetables is considered by many medical experts to be more healthful than one in which Double Whoppers with Cheese figure prominently.

There is unrest in the Middle East.

Statistically, skinny celebrity blondes with boob jobs have a high probability of being clinically depressed, clueless sexual deviants with substance abuse problems.

…

Apple charges more to upgrade MacBooks than Dell charges for the same upgrades to their equipment. Over on dash-slut is an opinion that Apple is “quite literally ripping off” people who go to them for upgrades.

If price is your only metric, you don’t have an Apple product. Have I mentioned “value shopping?” If your money is more valuable to you than your time, buy crap and spend your spare time trying to fix it. Buy a Dell.

As an analog, I pay the highest priced plumber in town to unclog my drains. I could do it cheaper myself. I could get a cheaper plumber.

Am I stupid?

If money is the only metric, yes.

The highest priced plumber in town treats me like a valued customer instead of a number. The receptionist speaks English – politely – and has some idea of what’s being discussed. The plumber shows up on time, works quickly, doesn’t ask me if I have a screwdriver he can use, and sometimes does more than I expect without an additional charge. The work gets done right the first time.

The cheap plumber does the job, sort of, looks for ways to add things to my bill for things he didn’t even do, and frequently has to be called in a second time to fix problems caused by his shoddy workmanship. That’s if I can get him to come to the house in the first place through the rude and utterly clueless daughter-in-law who answers the phone.

The difference in price between the most expensive and the cheap-ass is pennies on the dollar.

I don’t know about you, but I can go make some more money. I cannot go make some more time. Therefore, my time is more valuable than the difference between cheap and good.

If you don’t understand that concept, you probably own a Dell (or an Acer) and the whole argument is moot.

Anyway, the comment string over on Dash-slut is largely between those who think Apple products are superior and those who think it’s merely the flavor-of-the-month (dumbasses).

It’s an absurd argument, but then it’s Dash-slut. The people who post there fancy themselves smarter than the average guy, and certainly superior to us Mac users.

Dorks.

…

Wesley Clark said that having been a POW doesn’t qualify John McCain to be President. For some reason this is a HUGE political football. The statement itself doesn’t mean anything. If you’ve ever listened to Wesley Clark jabber, the emptiness of the statement should not be surprising. Having been a POW doesn’t qualify anybody for anything that I know of. Are there jobs that state “Former POW” as an employment criteria? Maybe I missed something. Does being a former POW disqualify McCain to be president? First Lady? What? 

The Los Angeles Times Headline calls it, “The campaign comment that will not die.” It doesn’t die because none of the papers is significantly smarter than the LAT. They keep it alive because frankly, they have nothing to say and lots of column inches to fill around the used car and strip club ads.

As long as no one will give them a meaningful sound bite, the major media is happy to harp on an utterly inconsequential statement from an utterly inconsequential former military officer. It certainly has nothing to do with a critical analysis of the statement or its significance.

They mean well. They’re just not terribly smart.

…

A stitch in time could close a wormhole.

Yawn.

The innertubes are all abother about market share again.

Market share doesn’t matter. Market share is a number you talk about if you don’t know what matters, or if you’re talking to people who don’t know what matters. Sometimes both.

Apple is selling stuff. Lots of stuff.

If you want to see numbers that matter, look HERE.

Everything else is merde de toro, as they say in France.

Bookmark that link and go back to it in about three weeks. That’s what 8% looks like when it’s vertically integrated.

…

I passed my College Statistics class with a 3.4 GPA. I’m six credits from the BS. I just know there’s a joke in there someplace. It would be a cheap shot, though. And at my expense. Moving right along.

Jas made the Dean’s List. 3-3.9s and a 3.7. I feel like such a slacker by comparison. A proud slacker, but a slacker nonetheless.

…

I just downloaded OS X v10.5.4. Bloviation, then installation.

…

You may have noticed this isn’t really going anywhere.

…

The iPhone 3G has visible screws. This is news. Huge news. John Gruber even mentions it. Well, here at Rip Ragged, we don’t just sit on our hands and snivel about these things. You can’t sit on your hands and drink beer at the same time. We contacted our deep-cover Apple operative and found out the real story.

A source very close to California (way closer than Pierre, South Dakota) has informed us that they aren’t screws at all. The screw-head-like devices on the top of the iPhone 3G are actually control knobs. The one on the left is the Vertical Hold. The one on the right is Fine Tuning.

…

DRM reared its ugly head again. This time Rhapsody has announced that it will sell DRM-free tracks that will work on iPods.

At the top of a recent flamewar, MacDailyNews opined that all these companies, the RIAA, and the Rotary Club in Ames, Iowa, are in collusion to break the back of iTMS.

In collusion? That sounds a little harsh.

Apple is in a bunker with a machine gun and thousands of rounds of ammunition. Behind Apple is a sheer cliff. In front is a large, barren, flat patch of ground with miles of clear visibility.

The record companies and the other music services, armed with kitchen utensils and stainless steel flatware, keep charging at the bunker from the same direction with the same strategy. That’s a conspiracy?

This is why I’ve never been much of a conspiracy theorist. In order to make a conspiracy work, you have to have people smart enough to organize and accomplish something and humble enough to not fight over who gets the credit if it succeeds. They’ve succeeded in looking arrogant and stupid, but not at denting Apple’s business. Humility, then, becomes a non-issue by default.

Another key aspect of a successful conspiracy is secrecy. The Rockettes could dance naked at a State Funeral more secretly than the RIAA has conducted their suicidal assault on the iTunes Music Store.

The RIAA has no worries about me accusing them of conspiracy. Stupidity? Greed? Self-flagellation? Okay. Conspiracy to be pompous, stupid, and self-defeating in public isn’t even a misdemeanor offense. It’s funny, that’s all.

…

Dear RIAA

1. Figure out what Apple does that works.

2. Do it better.

3. You win.

The steps can only be accomplished in that order. The alternative is a one-step process:

1. You lose.

Sincerely,

Your Banker

P.S. If you ever materially damage Apple’s business model by unfair trading practices, you’ll be an Apple subsidiary within weeks. Apple could buy EMI and donate it to the Salvation Army for the tax write-off and still have change left over for a couple of chip manufacturers. Just think what their lawyers could do to you. Dumbasses.

…

I think my escargot is still a little nervous about this. Maybe I’ll just have a side of fries instead.

Tom Steinert-Threlkeld put on a post today, two actually, that defy understanding. Tom may actually get it, sort of. In The Steve Job Standard Tom discusses the phenomenon that is The Master in a credible way.

First, he credits Master Jobst Fimil with the resurrection of Apple. Not to undermine my “history” inanity, but…

From 1976 to 1985 Apple was a corporate success story of epic proportions. The Steves introduced the personal computer. Apple was THE first company to sell what we know today as a personal computer.

Period.

The company grew at an alarming rapid clip from ‘76 to 85. Steve Jobs was the boss.

In 1985, His Steveness was given a pink slip. The company turned to shit. The only thing that kept the company from dying in the twelve years The Master was away was the fact that they were already so far ahead of the rest of the industry technologically when he left, that they could coast for 12 years. Because frankly, that’s what they did.

In 1997, when The Master returned, Apple was a laughing stock. The computers were definitely “niche,” and the operating system was a joke. It still wasn’t as bad as Windows, but it sucked.

In the eleven years since His Steveness has regained control the company has become a technology leader and a corporate monolith.

Simple pattern recognition test:

1. What happens when Steve’s in charge?

2. What happens when Steve is NOT in charge?

If you answered, “Hey! Where the hell is my salt shaker?” you’ve probably had enough margaritas for tonight.

So anyway, Tom Steinert-Threlkeld noted that all this speculation about El Jobso’s health, his succession plan, who’s the next CEO is a bunch of bullshit.

Let the man work. We’ll know the parade is over when the clean up crew comes through. Until then, enjoy the show.

…

Tom then followed up with The Steve Jobs Premium, in which he discusses the fact that if you’re shopping for something, Apple stuff is a good choice.

His example is a cable he was trying to buy. The Apple version of the cable cost $50. He just knew the same cable had to be available cheaper. It’s a frigging cable, after all. I could have told the same story. After you waste a day looking for a bargain basement replacement for the Apple accessory, you’ll realize that you’ve wasted a whole day to save half the price and you end up with something that works almost as well as the Apple product would have.

Then, if you really want the thing to work right, you buy the Apple product anyway.

It isn’t really a Steve Jobs Premium. It has gotten to seem that way. It’s just value shopping. It works like this: 

1. Set a minimum level of quality you’re willing to accept.

2. Figure out what brands will afford that quality.

3. Shop for price within that set of brands.

Apple products reliably at least meet my minimum quality requirements. They work. They do what they say they’ll do. Lots of other companies do that. They spend the time and money to make sure their stuff is good. Then they charge a bit more for it.

The reason it seems like a Steve Jobs Premium is that within the computer/consumer tech industry, quality is no longer important to most companies. Their products feel cheap, flimsy, and toy-like. Apple’s products look and feel substantial and durable.

We all know Macs and iPods and iPhones are just as obsolete the day we buy them as any other technology. The difference between Apple’s products and others is Apple stuff doesn’t look or work like cheap crap when you buy it. That matters. I’ll pay for that. So will a lot of other people.

Tom got this one pretty close to right.

…

Have you ever heard of TG Daily? Me either. I’m guessing that it’s quite a new site, or, possibly, they’ve been vacationing on a nice planet three galaxies over. They’ve published “Rob Enderle, Principal Analyst, Enderle Group.” The title of the post is “Dell channels old school Apple with a twist of Linux.” Google it if you want to read it. It’s asinine. There’s no way I’m going to contaminate RR with a link to that drivel.

The only thing of value is his brief discussion of “Bob,” – the name of the human face Microsoft tried to put on Windows a few years back. “Bob” was not a smashing success. It might have at least provided decent comic relief if it had been named “Goober,” or “Gomer,” but those were already taken.

The rest of the post is disjointed trivial facts assembled around predetermined inconsequential conclusions.

The disclaimer at the bottom says that R.E. is one of the last Inquiry Analysts. Given that his ponderous suppository is an indication of the value of Inquiry Analysts, there’s no need of further explanation for their disappearance.

…

Somebody (Anybody) Else (Please) for President 2008 (Damn).

…

Not only does Vista suck, but now you have to pay extra if you don’t want it. B.G. left. S.B. bought a rifle and painted silhouettes on his wingtips. He probably won’t need a spare clip.

…

Shouting random dirty words isn’t generally very valuable, but it does get you the men’s room all to yourself.