Guilty. I’m Guilty.

December 13th, 2014 · General Detritus

I just went and read the Macalope again. This in spite of pledging that I wouldn’t read him again until he left Macworld because they constantly edit and delete my comments.

Anyway, today he beat up on a guy writing for Forbes about Apple and marketshare and licensing the OS and such. The author being picked on is either an idiot, or is studying to become one. I went and read the original article on Forbes and it was an utter repeat of everything being said about Apple for the last 18 years. Crap.

Marketshare, licensing, Apple losing its monopoly on smartphones and tablets. Sheesh.

I finally got an iPhone 6. It’s a 6 Plus, actually. After I made fun of the 6 Plus Jas bought, it occurred to me that I might be able to read email on it without putting on my reading glasses. So I got one.

First I went to the AT&T store in the Tacoma Mall. The nice lady there told me they had one 6 Plus, in Space Grey, 16 Gb. She further explained that there wasn’t a 64 or 128 Gb model to be had anywhere in the Seattle-Tacoma metropolitan area. After a brief consultation with the Mall Directory Map, I found an Apple Store in the same mall. I walked there and got a 128 Gb space grey iPhone 6 Plus about 15 minutes after learning they are as rare as Sasquatches with talk shows.

Quick iPhone 6 Plus review:

I give it a nine, Dick. I like the lyrics, and it’s easy to dance to.

We just bought a new 21″ iMac for Wifey-poo’s office. It’s gonna have 16 Gb of RAM. She should be able to run it with all of her apps open at once. Probably this time next year the new restaurant will need a new 27″ 5k iMac – you know, an upgrade.

I’m reading a lot of stuff about torture lately. The whole thing about CIA techniques for interrogating terrorists. My assessment is, if connecting high voltage to a terrorist’s scrotum saves just one American life, there are two important things to consider: Red is positive; Black is negative.

As usual, some of my favorite music.

 

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Pet Peeve Time

December 10th, 2014 · General Detritus

I know. This is my second post in as many days. I don’t normally do that, but the urge to get on a soapbox is upon me.

There are things that make email automatically garbage. Here are a few of them:

  • The first word in the email is my first name, and I don’t know the sender.
  • The sender only has a first name.
  • Limited Time Offer (exclamation points only accelerate my finger’s trajectory to the Delete key.)
  • Once in a Lifetime Offer (ditto)
  • Act Now (are you starting to spot a pattern?)
  • The name of a politician as the sender when everybody knows they don’t have the training or the time to write ad copy emails, and frankly it doesn’t matter if it’s Ted Cruz or Harry Reid – <Delete> with extreme prejudice.

Those are automatic. Every time. There are a few things that get a sender marked “Junk” in perpetuity:

  • A catchy headline that has no link to anything in the body of the email
  • A catchy headline about something utterly unrelated to the text
  • Anything about male enhancement, porn, or erectile dysfuntion cures. (If you need more than one of these, get help. Seriously. If you need all three, possibly you need a different hobby. Knitting? Stamp collecting, maybe?
  • Anything about loaning me money or giving me credit or refinancing my house. I don’t need to borrow money. I need someone to just GIVE me several million dollars. That’s an email I’ll read.

Any questions? Email them to kissmyass@thebigblack.com

 

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iOS 8.1.2 is Available NOW

December 9th, 2014 · General Detritus

I saw a report on Forbes saying that iOS 8.1.2 is out. It also said that Apple customers would be angry at the upgrade. You can go read it if you want. I did, and you really don’t have to.

What it basically says is that iOS 8.1 wasn’t perfect. 8.1.1 didn’t make it perfect. 8.1.2 also doesn’t make iOS 8.1 perfect.

In short: iOS 8 is not utopia. It has been upgraded and is still not utopia. Apple customers, denied utopia, are angry.

I installed iOS 8.1.2 on my new iPhone 6  Plus. It still does all the stuff I normally want it to do. I’m not angry. I’m not even disgruntled or annoyed or psychically uncomfortable as a result of iOS 8.1.2.

I must be one of the weird ones.

No surprise, there.

I’ve been reading around and about the innertubes about the new 27″ iMac 5k HD superwhammodyne computer thingy. Yeah. I want one.

I was in an Apple store a few days ago, and there was one on display. I wanted to go see it, but there was a crowd around it, and there was going to be a wait. So I decided to try again some other time. The size and depth of the crowd made me think maybe Eric Schmidt (I think the “m” is  silent – it is when I say it.) might be over there trying to swallow a Galaxy Note 4 or something.

Anyway, the reviews I’ve read have been universally positive. It turns out you can upgrade the RAM in it to 32 Gb.

I want one.

Really.

Want.

I was looking for news about Microsoft. They’re releasing a Steam version of Flight Simulator. Too late. I wanted Flight Simulator for the Mac a long time ago. When I had my SE, Flight Simulator was my favorite thing to do on it. Then the bastards discontinued it. Then they quit supporting it. Then they could kiss my lily-white ass.

So, no. I will NOT be buying the Steam version of Flight Simulator. Thank you very much.

A classic of the first order.

Merry Christmas.

My list for today of companies who are scared of Merry Christmas: Samsung and Heineken. They both ran Happy Holidays ads. I wasn’t buying much from either of them anyway, but now it’s on purpose.

If you say Happy Holidays, I’m not buying anything from you.

Merry Christmas.

If “Merry Christmas” offends you, how about “Fuck off.” Does that offend you?

 

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Input. Input. Input.

December 1st, 2014 · General Detritus

There’s a new gadget. I mean, it isn’t THAT new, but it’s really, really cool. I want one. It’s called iStick. It’s a thumb drive with USB and Lightning plugs. They get as big as 128 Gb. 128 Gb in a little thing that isn’t much bigger than a Chiclet®. Think about the 787, tourist missions to the moon, low-calorie cheesecake that doesn’t taste like lukewarm Elmer’s Glue-All. We’re talking about the FUTURE, people. Thank you, Bimjo for pointing this out to me so there’s one more thing I want but can’t talk myself into buying.

I want one.

The stock price of Apple went down today. Also the temperature outside changed, there were car accidents in which people were hurt and killed, and somebody didn’t put the toilet seat down – again. I’ll bet you can guess which one made national news.

For those of you who don’t keep up with the stock market, there are two things a stock’s price is likely to do on any given day. The price may go up; the price may go down. There is a third, extremely unlikely, possibility, which is that the stock price will stay the same. This is unlikely because nobody makes any money unless the price changes.

Never mind reality. Analysts breathing heavily require that stock prices change so they don’t sound like such perverts talking about them.

Radio Shack is going down the toilet. And that sucks. Radio Shack used to be geek paradise. Nerd Nirvana. The place to hang out if you could splice cables with nothing in the toolkit but a roll of electrical tape. I used to love hanging around in a Radio Shack in my home town just to fantasize about doing something really nerdish.

Nowadays, they’re trying to be a toy store with some cell phones. There’s no real draw for nerds anymore because they don’t hire nerds to work there. They still have all the stuff in the back section of the store, but there’s nobody to talk to who understands what you’re talking about. Most of the hired help doesn’t know a capacitor from a project box.

Also, the employees are grumpy and miserable. You can’t train that away if the job sucks.

Ah well.

Something mellow for a Monday night.

Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me.

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Analyze This.

November 22nd, 2014 · General Detritus

I’ve just been over to NASDAQ.com to look at what the analysts think of AAPL. It reaffirmed my faith in analysts being less reliable than weathermen. Depending on the analyst you read you should either buy as much AAPL as you can carry or you should run away like a skinny ginger in Ferguson.

Here’s my analysis. It’s fairly brief so watch closely or you’ll miss it.

I can’t get an iPhone from either AT&T store in my neighborhood or from the local Best Buy. They’ve been selling the dogdamn thing since September and I still can’t get one. My daughter has one. My wife has one. I figured that if I waited until November, I’d be able to get one pretty easy. Nope. Apple is selling the iPhone 6 and 6 Plus faster than they can get the nasty things built.

You can do all the technical analysis you want. You can look at forward earnings, P/E ratios, 50 day moving average, alpha, beta, insider holdings, and all that shit until your eyes bleed and then you can do your level best to convince me of buy, sell, hold, overweight, outperform, whatever. At the end of the day, though, Apple is selling its products as fast as it can build its products.

As a consumer who wants an iPhone 6, that’s annoying as hell.

As an Apple stockholder, it’s wonderful.

An old guy goes into an ice cream shop. He’s obviously struggling to walk and in pain as he approaches the counter to order.

When asked what he wants, he says as he winces, “I’d like a chocolate sundae with whipped cream.”

The clerk asks, “Crushed nuts?”

He replies, “No. Hemorrhoids.”

Apparently there’s still a dust-up over Pay versus CurrentC. CVS and RiteAid and Wally World are going to test their ability to say,”We don’t want your money,” to a swillion skillion iPhone 6 users who have waited MONTHS for the chance to use Pay. Next year, when they get CurrentC operating they’ll be able to count on the Android Lollipop I-don’t-spend-any-money-but-I-have-a-smart-phone demographic. That should work out well for them.

CurrentC will be a sales promotion for iPhones, going forward.

That’s just too mellow to end with.

There. That’s better.

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Merry Thanksgiving

November 19th, 2014 · General Detritus

I’m just about in full pissed off mode. The only thing that keeps me from firing randomly into the crowd is this inexpensive organic red wine. Well, that and the fact that I’m tired. And have you seen the price of ammo? If you can even find .40 cal FMJ for plinking, it’s spendy, and never mind jacketed hollow points. Those bad boys are a buck a round if you can even find them.

Anyway, the thing that has my dandruff up is that we just cleared Halloween and everybody is all Jingle Bells and Santa Claus. I haven’t even started thawing a turkey yet.

Ten or fifteen years ago I went into a Sears store in a pretty nice shopping mall. It was mid-September. They had a Christmas tree trimmed. Ever since that day, not one penny has moved from my pocket into any company or business that I knew dealt with Sears. Not. One. Red. Cent. Christmas advertising before Thanksgiving is wrong. Christmas advertising before Halloween is beyond irritating. Christmas advertising before Labor Day is no improvement over the store manager posting photos of his hemorrhoids in the lobby.

And don’t even get me started on the dogdamn mountain of catalogues we already have with green and red and snowflakes and pictures of ribbons and bows, and  fat, white-bearded pedophiles on the covers.

There’s an article over on Reuters that says the FBI claims that Apple’s secure encryption is bad because children. Children. Homicide. If the government can’t have access to your private conversations and data it will result in children being beaten, raped, murdered, deprived of Cap’n Crunch, and forced to learn English.

As soon as I hear, “It’s for the children,” from a federal person of any job description, I field strip a pistol and oil it.

Apple. There isn’t a lot of news.

Last week I was reading something that I thought was just about the dumbest-ass thing I’d ever read, on PC Mag. Out of curiosity I decided to look at the byline. It was John C. Dvorak. In Mr. Dvorak’s parallel dimension, John Sculley was a great Apple CEO. And now, John Sculley is somehow associated with another company that’s going to make a $25 phone. Apple needs to buy this company because John Sculley or something. You can read it if you want. I read it twice, hoping to make sense of it before I read the byline.

When I bought my first Mac, an SE, in 1987, JC Dvorak was writing the back page of MacWorld. I loved him, then, because I thought he was a humorist. I never thought he was serious. Now I realize he’s fooled people into thinking he has something real to say. He makes a living writing shit like that.

It’s sad.

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