Apple announced earnings today. Apple announced the largest quarterly earnings and profits in the history of any company that ever called itself a company ever. EVER. Apple’s revenue for Q1 2015 was $74.6 Billion. To put that in perspective, that would my total taxable income from 1972 to present plus $74.6 Billion dollars.
They sold 5.5 million Macs.
They sold 74.5 million iPhones (more than 30,000 phones per hour, 24/7 for the whole quarter).
Apparently iPod sales are down. Damn.
In after hours trading, AAPL went up. I expect in the next few days that people will be getting on the Apple bandwagon like it’s the last chopper out of Saigon.
HomeKit, HealthKit, Swift, Metal.
Brandon Browner is a Patriots defensive back who played for the Seahawks last year. He made a statement to the media in which he said he is encouraging his teammates to try to injure Seahawks defensive backs Richard Sherman and Earl Thomas. I now have one cool thing to watch for in the coming contest. That’s when Marshawn Lynch finds and hits Brandon Browner. It will happen. When it happens, Mr. Browner will spend the rest of the game hoping it doesn’t happen again.
Oh, and the Seahawks will (WILL) beat the New England team. Because if they don’t I’m out like $300 for a jug of Johnny Walker Blue Label that I won’t even get to taste.
Apple’s BFF, Google, has provided the public square access to the necessary lines of code to write three Zero-Day exploits for OS X. Thanks, Google. After all, the best place to start fixing a problem is to make sure it can become a problem. How better to do that with system vulnerabilities than by making sure all the hackers have the first crack at it?
I just noticed that if you rearrange the letters of the alphabet, you can get:
“Google is owned, operated, and staffed by people lacking the morals of carrion eaters.”
Oh, and it’s already been fixed by Apple.
Apple is going to announce quarterly earnings this week.
The stock price will go up and/or down over the next few days in anticipation of the price being above or below analysts expectations. These expectations are made after analysts distill and paraphrase each others’ opinions, reconsider their earlier opinions which were largely based on paraphrasing each others’ earlier opinions, then compare it all to the tide table, moon phase, rotation of Uranus, and… oh look, somebody made deviled eggs.
After earnings are announced they’ll be compared to analysts predictions, the S&P 500, the NASDAQ, the Dow Jones Industrial Average, Alex Rodriquez’s batting average, America’s relationship with Mauritius and the marginal tax rate. At that point the stock price will go up and/or down.
I’m not selling any AAPL. So don’t even make me an offer.
Update: I just saw the MicroSoft Hololens video. If it works as described it might be cool. If it works like a Microsoft product…..um…well…
Don’t wear them driving. The BSOD could become literal rather than figurative.
OS X Spotlight is in the news. It violates your privacy and potentially sends your IP address, and pictures of your dog humping your ottoman to the NSA. I’m sure Apple is working on a fix for this as we speak, because, damn.
There’s a new malware thingy for the Macintosh. It’s a proof-of-concept thing that lets peripherals take over your computer by modifying the firmware. It’s called “Thunderstrike” because it uses the Thunderbolt port to do its damage. So somebody could plug something into your MacBook Air Jordan and have it send pictures of your dog humping your ottoman to the DHS or the TSA.
CES is still going on, apparently. I keep reading stuff on the innertubes about how Apple is stealing the thunder away from the CES when Apple doesn’t even have a booth there. I’ll bet there are s all over the place though. Macs and iPhones and iPads everywhere. Since I have never deliberately looked at CES stuff on the internet, I have no idea what thunder it has to steal. I think I remember once seeing a refrigerator with a tablet in the door, probably so you could play Minecraft while you waited for the ice dispenser to fill your glass, but other than that I don’t ever remember much that was memorable coming out of there.
That’s probably why Apple stopped doing anything with the Macworld expo. Why bother? They got plenty of hype from the fact they weren’t doing a booth at CES.
Just a suggestion. You might want to replace your ottoman.
We can’t start 2014 without mentioning the end of 2013. I got a quintuple bypass on 12/23/13. They opened up my chest like the hood of a ’38 DeSoto. On this date a year ago I was home from the hospital, then 2014 started off with the bastards trying to kill me with a staph infection in the chest wound. Apple is doomed.
After three more trips to the Operating Room to clean up the damaged tissue – at one point my liver and kidneys did the Ferguson thing – I spent the next several weeks enjoying a smorgasbord of antibiotics. I had oral, injection, and IV drip delivery of just about every harmful chemical known to man. One of the IV drips was from a pouch about the size of a cocktail napkin. It couldn’t have had ¼ cup of stuff in it. They dripped it in me three times a day, and it took four hours each time. I asked, “Why does that have to drip for four hours?” The nice nurse explained that it was so caustic that if they dripped it any faster it would destroy my veins.
So, anyway, January of 2014 was spent convalescing. In fact, all of 2014 was spent convalescing to some degree. But I’m better now.
Oddly, Apple survived without my constant support, advice, and dissent.
Samsung announced, or somebody let the cat out of the bag, that they’re going to release the Galaxy S5. It being numerically sequential to Galaxy S4, this shocked the tech news industry. You have to move slowly when approaching punditbots. They spook easily.
Amazon announced some more failed Fire crap. TV stuff. This is because they had already copied the iPhone with a failed Fire phone, and imitated the iPad with a failed Fire tablet. Mimicking the Apple TV with a failed set-top box was required to complete the set.
Apple didn’t announce the iWatch. The internet breathlessly carried on about Apple’s need to catch up with all the really shitty wearable garbage being released by “competitors.”
Apple did introduce CarPlay.
Tim Cook announced that if ROI is your only motivation, being an Apple stockholder is probably not your ideal place to be. This after a right-wing nut job questioned the wisdom of Apple using renewable energy. This sparked a name-calling session between the planet rapers and the carbon-haters. Tim Cook seemed to go on about his day without needing an antacid.
iOS 7.1 – Whoo.
Justin Bieber gave a deposition. He acted like a spoiled, rich child because he’s a spoiled, rich child. The pundit class was aghast. You have to move slowly, people. And don’t make any loud sounds.
The tech press ascribes gravitas worthy of Dalai Lama to Steve Wozniak’s observations on the business of Apple. That’s pretty stupid.
A book called Haunted Empire was released. The premise of the book is that Tim Cook is not Steve Jobs. This was only taken seriously by punditbots who really, literally never [NOT EVER] have an original thought. Rearranging the words from years old anti-Apple posts passes for creativity with that group.
Android Wear was introduced. I was unable to find any pictures then, and I’m not going to look for any now.
There were rumors of Apple in talks with Comcast. There were no details available since it was only a rumor. I think they were probably just upgrading their business internet connection to 60 Mbps.
I noted, for some reason, that all the anti-Apple stuff all over the internet is pure bullshit. I must have been trying to wean myself from codeine that day.
The internet was pretty sure that Apple needed to introduce an iWatch or die. And they needed to accomplish that like yesterday. This was in spite of the fact that nobody was actually selling a wrist thingy to anyone. This is a problem that continues to this day.
MacDailyNews and DigiTimes said that Apple was testing a flexible circuit board. They opined that this was for the iWatch.
Apple announced earnings. They made money. Again. Scary.
Not much happened in May, apparently. I went back to my day job in May against the advice of just about everybody. Ah well, no brain, no pain.
The Apple buying Beats thing was in full swing early in the month.
Katie Cotton left Apple and struck out on her own. Heaven only knows how she’s getting along.
As the month progressed the punditocracy went spastic blabbering about the Apple-Beats thing. Obviously, according to the punditbots, since Steve Jobs never bought a headphones/streaming music company Tim Cook must be one brain cell death away from drooling and defecating in his trousers.
Microsoft got a new CEO. That pretty much sums up what’s important about that.
Swift (and some other really geeky, developer stuff)
No TV thingy
As June progressed, Apple failed to introduce the iWatch. Several punditbots have developed facial tics and started wetting the bed because of this.
Apple, at some point, actually bought Beats in order to get Dr. Dre on staff to coach Tim Cook on the proper delivery of the word, “motherfucking.” Mr. Cook will need that skill if he’s going to deal with musicians.
A large number of pundits discovered the word “mojo.” Probably by listening to Come Together by The Beatles while smoking banned substances. They’re largely in agreement that Apple has lost their mojo. Of course, the punditbots are always largely in agreement. It’s a useful substitute for observation, pattern recognition, and thinking.
Apple and IBM teamed up. This proves that Tim Cook is not Steve Jobs. Really. There are idiots who wrote and ascribed meaning to crap like that and got paid for it. It makes me sick.
Microsoft announce layoffs of 18,000 people in July. Probably mostly just the janitorial staff and middle managers.
Apple announced earnings for the quarter. Apparently they made money again. Huh.
I installed the Yosemite Sam public beta in July, and never looked back.
July ended with no official mention of an iWatch.
John C. Dvorak predicted that the iWatch is going to fail. Too bad it didn’t exist.
Reports in August suggest that Muslim terrorists are idiots. Not in so many words, of course. That would be politically incorrect. The reports said that Al Qaeda prefers Android.
Motorola introduced the wildly successful Moto 360 that everybody is wearing now. As near as I know it isn’t selling spectacularly better than electric blankets in Hell.
August’s big news seems to have been a planned Apple event in September. It must have been pretty thrilling news. Lots of people writing about it.
There was a rumor in August about an A8 Chip. No pictures.
They announced Pay.
They announced the iPhone 6 and 6 Plus.
They announced the Watch. It looks useless to me. I’ll buy one as soon as I can rationalize a need.
They announced another event in October.
8.0 was imperfect so Apple released 8.0.1
The iPhone 6 and 6 Plus were briefly in the news for their flexibility. The key word is “briefly.”
The 27″ 5k iMac. I want one. WANT.
Apple announced earnings again. They made money again. Are you starting to spot a pattern?
Tim Cook announced that he’s gay. Everybody made a fuss for about a week. Then of course they all moved onto important things like not being Steve Jobs or introducing a television set.
CurrentC, the non-existent but noisy alternative to Pay, got a bunch of press in October. Then it faded away.
We vacationed for a week in Texas. We survived. We left our child behind.
The iOS malware “Masque” made the news by having its existence announced. That pretty much tells the whole story.
Also, WireLurker showed up as a Trojan Horse thingy. It didn’t seem to bring down Western Civilization, either.
Apple was accused by the government of aiding and abetting child molesters by encrypting your private data. In related news, I bought some more ammunition.
iOS 8.1.2, Whee.
Not much going on this month. Apple sold more than half of all the smartphones over the Christmas holiday. Surprise, surprise.
I bought the hamburger stand in my hometown of Montesano, WA. It’s called Gene’s Stop & Go. I’m retiring from my day job in March to go reopen it.
I just bought Rocksmith. It comes with a cable that lets you plug an electric guitar into the computer. It’s a computer game that uses your guitar as a controller. I’m hoping to get my chops back. Another cool thing – GarageBand recognizes the cable as an input device so I can plug the old Strat into GarageBand and rock out. And I can use my bluetooth Beats. I can practice guitar on Sunday mornings while wifey-poo sleeps for an extra hour or two.
I’m posting on a Thursday night because there isn’t a football game on. The Tennessee Titans and the Jacksonville Jaguars are playing a game on the NFL Network, but, other than that, nothing. If they put all their wins together they might still have a shot at the NFC South, but aside from that, there’s no reason to watch.
The weird thing is that there’s nothing really to report from the wonderful world of Apple, either. Hyundai is going to install Apple stuff in one or more their cars.
Wifey-poo is getting a new 21″ iMac with 16 Gb of RAM. It should be pretty cool.
There’s an update on my review of the iPhone 6 Plus (which I’ve now been using for a couple of weeks):
It works pretty good. I mostly keep it plugged in whenever I’m at home or in the office. The battery life could be better.
I read somewhere that people are still concerned about Apple protecting Chinese factory workers from being paid $15.00 an hour with their hands up so they can’t breathe or something. Don’t shoot.
I just went and read the Macalope again. This in spite of pledging that I wouldn’t read him again until he left Macworld because they constantly edit and delete my comments.
Anyway, today he beat up on a guy writing for Forbes about Apple and marketshare and licensing the OS and such. The author being picked on is either an idiot, or is studying to become one. I went and read the original article on Forbes and it was an utter repeat of everything being said about Apple for the last 18 years. Crap.
Marketshare, licensing, Apple losing its monopoly on smartphones and tablets. Sheesh.
I finally got an iPhone 6. It’s a 6 Plus, actually. After I made fun of the 6 Plus Jas bought, it occurred to me that I might be able to read email on it without putting on my reading glasses. So I got one.
First I went to the AT&T store in the Tacoma Mall. The nice lady there told me they had one 6 Plus, in Space Grey, 16 Gb. She further explained that there wasn’t a 64 or 128 Gb model to be had anywhere in the Seattle-Tacoma metropolitan area. After a brief consultation with the Mall Directory Map, I found an Apple Store in the same mall. I walked there and got a 128 Gb space grey iPhone 6 Plus about 15 minutes after learning they are as rare as Sasquatches with talk shows.
Quick iPhone 6 Plus review:
I give it a nine, Dick. I like the lyrics, and it’s easy to dance to.
We just bought a new 21″ iMac for Wifey-poo’s office. It’s gonna have 16 Gb of RAM. She should be able to run it with all of her apps open at once. Probably this time next year the new restaurant will need a new 27″ 5k iMac – you know, an upgrade.
I’m reading a lot of stuff about torture lately. The whole thing about CIA techniques for interrogating terrorists. My assessment is, if connecting high voltage to a terrorist’s scrotum saves just one American life, there are two important things to consider: Red is positive; Black is negative.