Dear Apple Bashing Bloggers,

Things you should know about those of us who use Apple products, and what we think we know about Apple and its products.

First of all, a few myths about us:

We believe Apple is infallible.

We believe Steve Jobs is the second coming of Tesla.

If Apple sells it, we must buy it.

The explanation for our aberrant lust for the logo is:

The secret to Apple’s success is hype. We have all been duped by the reality distortion field.

We are stupid, because:

Apple products are overpriced.

Other products can do the exact same things for less money.

Apple products are proprietary; a closed system.

And a few myths about the Macintosh®:

The Macintosh can never succeed as a platform until:

Apple licenses OS X.

Apple sells a computer at Wally World prices.

IT managers say so.

We know all this because you keep telling us over and over and over and over again.

We don’t believe a word of it.

We don’t believe Apple can’t fail, or that Steve Jobs is perfect. Factually, the company is kicking the consumer electronics market’s ass. Right now, Apple’s products are best in class across the board. Those are measurable, verifiable facts. Based on the only criteria that matters for a CEO – creating value for shareholders – Steve Jobs is very, very good at what he does.

We don’t lust after the logo. We want stuff that works, and we don’t mind paying a little extra up front for something that doesn’t feel like it’s going to fall apart in our hands. Other products CAN NOT do all the same things at ANY price.

Bring your non-Apple computer and smartphone and your dumb ass over to the house and I absolutely guarantee my Apple stuff will do things your non-Apple stuff not only can’t do, but can’t be made to do. 

Proprietary? That’s Microsoft/Adobe crap. Apple hardware and software are standards based.

Apple licensing their OS and building el-cheapo computers are two things that won’t happen. They’ve both been tried already. They don’t work. Apple is currently selling Macintosh computers faster than beer at a Chili Cook-off. IT managers will “say so” when they have no choice. Soon.

We know we’ll be seeing your chickenshit flamebait all over the blogosphere.

We want you to know that we know you have nothing new to add if you agree with the myths stated at the opening. And one more thing. You’re an idiot.

Sincerely,

Apple Fanboys

P.S. The people who agree with you in the comments usually can’t spell or compose a simple declarative sentence. That should bother you.