First of all, if I ran a site called 24/7 Wall St. with the motto, “Insightful Analysis and Commentary for U.S. and Global Equity Investors,” I would change Douglas A. McIntyre’s beat to companies that deal in feed stock for cattle. Then someday, when he gets a handle on how bullshit is generated, I’d give him a shot at something else.

Here’s the whole post. It’s actually a pretty good read. You have to be willing to overlook grammar, syntax, and factual errors, but as poorly written fantasy goes it isn’t bad. Here’s my summary – paraphrased, annotated, ridiculed.

Paragraph 1. “Apple may be the most extraordinary technology company of the last two decades.” [emphasis mine]. Then he goes on to explain that Apple has three products. Mac, iPod, iPhone.

He left out Apple TV. I left out his adjectives.

Paragraph 2. Steve Jobs founded the company something something something.

I’ve read it three times. I have no idea what this paragraph is trying to convey. 2.2 GPA in Sophomore Composition, near as I can tell.

Paragraph 3. Wrong (low) sales numbers used to indicate that Apple is competitive with the rest of the computer industry, and may be upsetting the accepted status quo.

DAM’s piece was published yesterday. The real numbers were available today. Waiting one day for real numbers could have made this farce credible. Not really, but there would have been something accurate.

Paragraph 4. Slowing growth is bad. Apple only sold 30,137 iPods per day in Q3 of 08. Investors are nervous about that.

The investors who are nervous about that are those who have bought in to the whole slowing-growth-as-a-negative-indication FUD that’s so popular these days. In case you don’t realize what “growth” means, it means Apple is increasing the rate at which they sell iPods. On average more iPods are bought every day than the day before it. The growth rate is acceleration. They were already going a hundred miles per hour and they keep stepping on the gas. As long as the growth rate is positive, it’s good. The whole ’slowing growth’ mantra is Kaw-Kaw. 99 and 44/100% Pure. It floats.

Paragraph 5. Apple is awesome because Steve Jobs is a genius.

Paragraph 6. The iPhone is cool because Steve Jobs is a genius.

Paragraph 7. Steve Jobs is a genius and the iPhone is proof.

Paragraph 8. Analysts predictions versus last year’s results.

Paragraph 9. Apple’s stock price history from it’s 52-week high to present. Recession. Gloom. Despair. Agony. Hemorrhoids and rectal problems.

The previous five paragraphs are brought to you by the letter, “Duh.” No news or insight. Rehashed facts, adjectives, conjecture, empty superlatives. After a dish of baked beans and a couple of beers, I can flatulate more value than that.

Paragraph 10. More important, unspoken, astronomical, current, unprecedented, extraordinary.

Three sentences, six adjectives, no facts, and more conjecture about what everybody must be thinking (i.e. made up crap).

Paragraph 11. Steve Jobs must be running out of gas.

Paragraph 12. …because Apple has been doing well too long.

Paragraph 13. …and because the competition is getting tougher.

Paragraph 14. …and a lot of companies are getting ready to innovate up something cool to beat Apple with, and then boy oh boy will Apple be in trouble.

The previous four paragraphs are proof that DAM has no clue about anything competitive. Apple is kicking the tech industry’s ass. Apple will continue to kick the tech industry’s collective ass until the competition actually does get tougher, and until other companies actually innovate something. There are no obvious signs of any of that on the horizon.

Paragraph 15. Maybe Steve Jobs can get another great product out the door. This, according to Douglas A. McIntyre, is unlikely. “The odds against him getting as far as he has were extraordinary.”

In other words, Steve Jobs’ success is entirely because he’s a genius who stumbled onto the right game of dice. Not to put too fine a point on it, but if that were the case Apple would have been dead long ago. That’s not odds, that’s asinine.

Closing sentence: Everybody wishes they were as successful as Steve Jobs but they all lack the moxie and balls to do what it would take.

Anyway, that’s what he would have said if he had half a frigging clue.

…

$275

COB 12/31/2008

I’m buying some more AAPL tomorrow and I don’t give a shit what the price is when I buy it.

…

Beer run.