In bold type are some things that you must be a nincompoop to believe. If you, yourself, personally believe any of these things, please don’t read this blog anymore – unless you’re going to leave comments. You deserve to be ridiculed in public, and I hate to deprive you of that right.

Apple needs to build a cheaper, entry level computer.

If you think this, you’re an idiot. Apple has no need to build a cheaper machine. You wanting a cheap computer obligates Master Jobst Fimil to nothing.

Macs are selling like traffic cones at a Madonna concert. As long as that continues, Apple’s needs are met.

Apple must license OS X.

No. Apple must NOT license OS X. Apple has tried licensing the OS once. It almost destroyed the company.

The idea that licensing the OS would be good for Apple only makes sense if you are a rookie, an idiot, or a Microsoft-paid spokesman. Those possessing all three traits see that as gospel, and they pick their noses in restaurants.

Apple’s perfect record has been marred by (insert some sniveling complaint here).

Every product Apple has ever sold started out with a few minor problems. I don’t remember ever buying or using an Apple product that was perfect.

They’re frigging computers. Computers can’t be perfect. Apple products are so far better than everything else they seem perfect.

In twenty one years, I’ve only ever reformatted two hard drives on Macs. Ever.

EVER.

Both of those were last ditch efforts to save a dying drive. In both cases I saved all my data using Apple software. In both cases the HD was toast.

I know Windows people who consider reformatting hard drives just part of owning a computer.

It isn’t that Apple’s stuff is so good; it’s that everything else is so bad.

Apple’s products are not wonderful. They work a high percentage of the time and are easier to operate correctly than to screw up. That makes them seem wonderful by comparison.

Steve Jobs is mercurial (an asshole).

You’ll see this buried into “serious” articles in “respected” financial magazines. The people who use this are as stupid as a no host bar at a shooting range grand opening. Steve Jobs is the CEO of the company that will be the subject of Business 101 classes for the next frigging century. Go find – anywhere, any time in history – a significant business success who was known as a “nice guy” by the people with whom he or she did business. Good luck with that. You don’t build a corporate behemoth by trying to please everyone.

I’ll bet half a tuna sandwich Steve Jobs didn’t start Apple because he wanted to be liked by the leg-humping pups who currently write for Fortune, Forbes, and BusinessWeak.

If your expectation is for successful CEOs to be snuggly and bland, have whoever is reading this to you stop now.

Macs are going to be less secure now that they’re more popular.

This is the flip side of the “security by obscurity” mythology propagated by people with practically no neuron-synapse function. They both mean the same thing. Both are wrong, and have been wrong long enough for even the most ignorant to grasp. Those who speak this crap are either lying or as dumb as a sack of 512 KB SIMMS.

Macs have been targeted by hackers for years. Remember the Month of Apple Bugs in January of ‘07? Lots of smart hackers have been trying for a long time to compromise OS X. I don’t know how long, but it’s been a few years.

The first hacker who successfully hacks a self-replicating virus, or a non-phishing, non-Trojan Horse piece of malware for the Mac will be a celebrity.

It’s still in the future. It hasn’t happened. There was more malware introduced for Windows today than I’ve had on a Mac in 21 years of running them.

Windows has viruses. Mac doesn’t. When that changes, you can get up on your back legs and honk about how vulnerable OS X is. Until then Mac is more secure than Windows. Saying otherwise indicates either you’re stupid or dishonest. Probably both.

Apple sells a closed system.

No, dumbass. Windows is a closed system.

Connecting a Mac to a Windows network is easier than connecting a Dell running Vista to the same network.

Connecting a Dell running Vista to a Mac network is easier than connecting the same Dell to a Windows network.

When you hear that Apple sells a closed system, an idiot is talking.

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I have got to do something about that funny noise in the air conditioner.