I have learned, from my deep cover mole at 1 Infinite Loop, that the announcement on the 14th of October will be earth shaking. There’s a reason Apple has been keeping this one under wraps.

But before we get into that, I should note that I’m walking the walk. I just rejiggered my 401(k) and bought (over the last three weeks) a few more shares of AAPL. It occurred to me today, that AAPL is sitting on $21B. JP Morgan just bought Washington Mutuals assets for less than $2B.

Think about it. If the big bailout thingy doesn’t happen pretty soon, the experts say, we could have another depression. Stock prices will go down across the board. With $21,000,000,000.00 in the bank, Apple could have themselves a little shopping trip through the tech industry, or the recording industry, or the movie industry, or the telecoms. Apple could buy a few small companies, or maybe one pretty big one - say T-Mobile. or possibly EMI.

Right now, sitting on a huge pile of money looks pretty smart.

Back to the subject at hand. The new product is code-named “brick.” It is the wickedest, bitchin’est, most fundamentally awesome product in the history of electronics.

Not like the “Tube.” That’s Nokia’s new iPhone killer. I saw a picture of one someplace today. It looks just like an iPhone would look if it were made out of cheap injection-molded plastic with a Photoshopped picture in landscape mode on the face.

Nosireesir, the “brick” is way cooler than that.

The brick will…

Oh, wait. This just in. Remember when I said Android is going to be the ZunePhone? Well guess what. The G1 will be available in brown. No joke. Look it up.

Anyway, about the “brick.” I have the feature list, but I can’t divulge all of it without endangering my methods and sources. Here are a few important things it will come with:

Cut and paste

Laser gun sights

A gum massager

Genuine badger bristles

Voice dialing

Carbon nanotubes

High resolution (50 keV) multichannel gamma spectroscopy

Sweetened with Splenda®

Fixed APR

Rich Corinthian Leather

Flex fuel capable

Endorsed by Sarah Palin AND Joe Biden

12,000 Frequent Flyer Miles with Alaska Airlines

A free Gumby

And most importantly, it will not be available in brown.

…

Steve Ballmer has announced that he’s going to crush Apple. Personally.

Microsoft is dead. Sadly, there will be no federal bailout effort when M$ finally soils the 1200 thread count sheets. They’ll just fold up the tents and go home. The rank and file will all find tech jobs except for the few, inferior programmers, who’ll be forced to write Android apps.

…

The whingeing about the App Store policies continues all over the place. Predictably, dash-slut is all over it, bashing Apple at every opportunity.

…

Now that Apple has effectively assumed dominance of the consumer and collegiate computer markets, redefined the entertainment market, and staged an insurgency into the enterprise, it’s time to go to the game market.

The WinTards have long maintained that Apple can’t be a serious computer company until they produce a game machine.

Well, stand by kids.

…

Say goodnight, Dick.