All of us devout Apple watchers know that there are new things on the horizon for 2012. Why? Because Apple has 100,000,000,000.00 USD. To get an idea how much that is, picture your house and the neighbors house stuffed to overflowing with 100-dollar bills. Fun things are bound to happen. Now imagine all that and you’re sober. Really. It could happen.

As the noisiest fanboy on the planet, it’s my job – hell, it’s my duty – to have my middle and ring fingers gently but firmly on the wrist, just below the thumb of Apple developments. My mole, Deep Something-or-other, wanders the deepest darkest dungeons at Apple, carefully gleans all the recent developments and reports them here.

Macintosh

The MacBook Air Jordan is the prototype for “ultrabooks.” Ultrabooks will smaller than “regular” laptops. They will also be somewhat underpowered, and will “run” crippled versions of Microsoft Windows. In other words, where the MacBook Air Jordan is a thinner, lighter, quicker version of a MacBook, the Ultrabooks will be thinner, lighter, versions of crappy netbooks.

The MacPro isn’t dead yet. There are still a few Power Users out there who want a bunch of terabytes of hard disk space on board. It’ll die eventually, just not yet. How do I know? Because I’m going for an iMac, soon. I’ll find a use for my old MacPro. Maybe. If I’m willing to cede the tower and all that expandability, others can’t be far behind. And many are way ahead. (I must hurry and catch up with the others, for I am their leader).

Faster processors, SSHDs, better monitors, faster internet connections, and prettier boxes are all coming in 2012. Also, there will probably be a slogan change at some point in July. Something about sea turtles, but I can’t comment further without giving away trade secrets.

I’m a little disappointed in the nomenclature at this point, though. SSHD? Have we really come to the point where replacing obsolete technologies requires referencing them? There is no disk. Without a disk, there’s nothing to drive, so that doesn’t fit, either. It’s an oxymoron. How about NonVolatile Storage (NVS), Solid State Storage (SSS – although, for some that might seem a little harsh), How about just calling it “Memory,” and putting so much on that nobody even cares about a number anymore. It would be just one more spec you’d have to care enough to look up. That would be Apple-like.

iPhone

Given the global standard numbering system and the fact that Apple’s whole business is based on making newer versions, it’s just about certain that the iPhone 5 will be released eventually. The important thing to remember is that Apple also includes letters in the sequence. Even though we skipped 4 A-R, Apple may still want to use 4 T-Z before getting to 5. There may be an SE in the run, too.

Will we get a iPhone 5 this year? Let me check. Ask Again Later, according to my source.

We here at Rip Ragged believe the introduction of the iPhone 5 will be predicated on the release of Siri 1.0. When I asked my source for the timeline on that, my source said, “Cannot Predict Now.”

Companies will continue to issue lame-ass knockoffs of the iPhone. These will have all kinds of weird names: Galaxy, Nexus, Humanoid, Droid. They’ll “run” all different versions of Android (Honeycomb, Ice Cream Sandwich, Fudgesicle Suppository, Incompatible Mess, etc.), and Windows. Here at Rip Ragged we will allow them to be called “iPhone Killers” until they’re actually for sale, at which point we’ll forget about them entirely.

iPod

Apple still sells a swillion-skillion of the things.

If you read an analyst who says Apple will abandon the iPod, that analyst is an idiot. You may safely place that analyst in the same pile with the ones who predict Apple licensing OS X, or buying RIM.

iPad

Received a communiqué from Bimjo, pointing out that Eric Schmidt has promised an “excellent” tablet product in six months from Google. Six months. Long enough for lots of folks to forget that he said he’s going to show people how a great tablet is done. This may, someday, qualify for “iPad killer” status. Currently, though, there is no spec sheet, not even a photoshopped picture. There is only a vague and tentative description of a mythical “excellent tablet.” This cannot be compared to the iPad except by total idiots. They’ll be reporting with the same fools predicting in the “iPod section.”

Of course, while everyone else is struggling to introduce something, anything, that looks enough like an original iPad that it can dent Apple’s sales, Apple will be building the iPad 2 SE and the iPad 3. The iPad 3 will have a Retina-Plus display and 3-D printer drivers for all current manufacturers. This function will connect directly to iTunes, so that if you’re listening to If I Had a Hammer, by Peter, Paul, and Mary, you can actually print a claw, framing, or ball peen hammer.

iTV

In the Walter Isaacson biography, Steve Jobs said that he had “cracked” television. If you know anything about Steve Jobs at all, you know what that means.

It means that there will be a new product category involving television. That leads to the only logical conclusion: My Mother the Car, Candid Camera, What’s My Line, and Hollywood Squares will each have their own channel. M*A*S*H will have two channels, pre-, and post-Potter.

Apple may be working on releasing an actual television. The company has not said such a thing but all the analysts are agreed that, unless they introduce a toaster or shoes, Apple is running out of new worlds to conquer. TV would seem to be the next logical step. Well, that and Tim Cook starting a band.

Retail

The Apple Stores will continue to funnel enormous piles of money into the already ginormous accounts of Apple Inc. That’s because people really like to go to them. Some people feel left out when the nearest Apple Store is a two-hour drive. Especially people who are rabid fanboys who have been begging for years to get a store closer to home.

A new Apple store will be opened this year in Kennewick, WA – in the Columbia Center Mall. About 5 miles from my house. If not, I swear I’m going to say something really unkind and unprofessional in a public setting.

I just asked my source to clear up the possibility of an Apple Store in the local mall. My source said, “Don’t Count On It.”

Happy New Year.