Here’s my roundup (not the herbicide) of what happened in the last twelve months, using only my posts as a guideline. It’s sort of like a cat licking its own butt, except without the nutritional value.
Apple’s stock went up.
I ran my iPhone 4 through the washing machine. After resuscitation failed, I bought an iPhone 4S. Ultrabooks became the new buzzword for thin, wedge-shaped laptop computers that are absolutely NOT blatantly obvious attempts to cash in on the success of the MacBook Air Jordan.
Tim Cook failed to become Steve Jobs.
Apple’s stock went up.
Apple didn’t invent anything nobody had ever seen before in February.
Tim Cook said something about using his iPod at the gym, which proves he is still not Steve Jobs – who never talked about the gym.
As of the end of March, Apple had still not announced the name of the iPhone 5. The lack of an announced name caused much hand-wringing and keening and wailing and gnashing of teeth in tech-pundit land. People with actual lives – as they are wont to do – didn’t give a shit.
Mike Daisey – the guy who did The Agony and the Ecstasy of Being Steve Jobs – was discovered to have made up important facts (that he claimed were all true) in his anti-Apple performance art. After he was caught he claimed artistic license. I’m not exactly sure how someone comes to be called “douchebag,” but I’m pretty sure this will get your résumé into the “interview” pile.
iThing killers continued to be announced, introduced, and forgotten.
Tim Cook announced a dividend for Apple stock in the middle of the month. Of course, the tech-finance press went on a screed about how the dividend was a pittance after spending years whining that Apple should pay a dividend. The dividend also proves that Tim Cook is not Steve Jobs.
The Macintosh platform survived the Flashback drive-by Trojan virus. It was so severe that I bought a five-dollar piece of virus software, used it maybe four times, and have not updated it since. Whew. That was close.
Greenpeace made some noise in April about something related to Apple. Apparently Apple failed to kiss the appropriate Greenpeace ass(es) with sufficient conviction.
Rumors abound in the tech press about how iTunes is due for an update. I thought it was working fine.
With as long as he’s been on the job, you’d think Tim Cook would have completely overhauled iTunes by now. He’s obviously not Steve Jobs.
Apple’s stock dipped below $600 based on no news whatsoever about anything.
They named it “iPhone 5.”
In May, Apple started laying the groundwork for not announcing an Apple-branded television set.
If Tim Cook is ever going to be Steve Jobs, where the hell are his black mock turtlenecks, faded jeans, and New Balance cross-trainers? Huh? HUH?
Apple officially started not introducing the iTV thingy and WWDC. They did announce iOS 6, though, and Apple Maps. Mountain Lion: $20; all you can eat. Insane.
Microsoft introduced the “Surface.” It’s a tablet. It almost runs Windows 8, at least at the demo. There are going to be multiple versions with two different versions of the OS.
Tim Cook is losing Apple’s edge, according to several in tech-pundit/fundtard land. It’s beginning to concern some people who type badly for a living that he may never be Steve Jobs.
Jas got married.
In less important news, Apple is not winning in “Enterprise.” And don’t talk to me about BYOD. That’s just crazy talk.
Reviews started to filter through in July concerning the relative strengths and weaknesses of Windows 8. Brief summary: it sucks.
Android continued to beat iOS in the only metric the matters – the opinions of bad typists.
Apple officially continued not introducing or even mentioning the iTV.
Tim Cook is still not Steve Jobs, going into…
The PC is dead. I declared that with a declarative sentence in one of my posts in August. It’s on the internet, so it must be true.
The Rip Ragged Glossary was updated to reflect that DNE (Do No Evil) is the new acronym to symbolize a reference to the company that ripped off Apple’s IP and tracks everything you do on the internet for their own financial gain.
Apple made no major product announcements in August, including the iTV, which continues to exist only in the minds of those familiar with the company and unnamed executives.
Tim Cook failed again in August to be Steve Jobs.
Android won. I read it on the internet, so it must be true.
The iPhone 5 was released, unharmed, into the wild. It has a different dock connector. As you might expect, people who make their living on the cutting edge – tech pundits – are horrified at the change. It’s okay to advance technology, just don’t change anything. Dorks. Apple sold all they had built in, like, nine minutes or something. Then apparently they had to put the phone down to go make some more. Everybody in my family got one except me. I stayed with the iPhone 4S. What can I say? I’m a luddite. Sticks and rocks have been useful tools this long – why change now?
The Galaxy S III was introduced to a similar reception. By “similar” I mean “utterly lame by comparison.” I have a friend who trades back and forth from iPhone to Android. He’s currently using an S III. He’ll be back.
Apple continued it’s official stance of not acknowledging the iTV as anything more than unicorn poop.
Tim Cook is not Steve Jobs.
Map-Gate. Massive loss of life, illness, and warm beer caused by errors in Apple’s new Map application.
I bought a new 27″ iMac. It rocks. I don’t like Civilization V, though, but it runs Civ IV just fine.
Apple officially did not introduce an iTV this month, nor did they mention an iTV.
Mountain Lion vs. Windows 8 comparison
Mountain Lion: One version, $20
Windows 8: Several versions, from Home Basic to Ultra Deluxe Super Premium Whosyerdaddy Pro with Extra Cheese, hard to pin down prices.
Windows is dead. It looks like a suicide.
Scott Forstall and John Browett were fired from Apple. Tim Cook continued to officially not be Steve Jobs.
Hostess announced that it would go bankrupt. Twinkies, Ho-Hos, Ding-Dongs, Sno-Balls, and Hostess Cupcakes are gone forever. This is particularly worrisome in Washington and Colorado.
Sales of the Microsoft “Surface” have been “modest” so far, according to Darth Fester. Apparently, the ad featuring hipsters dancing to the beat of snapping the tablet into the keyboard is not quite as compelling as Microsoft hoped. I still haven’t bought one.
iTunes 11. It worked the first time with no telephone calls or tech support.
Apple once again officially did not introduce a television set.
Tim Cook must not be Steve Jobs.
Eric Schmidt talked to the press about how Apple is suing everybody except Google over Android. About the time he figures out what happened, it will be WAY too late.
Apple’s stock price is down. The reason might be related to a lot of fund managers moving to Washington and Colorado. I haven’t sold any shares.
Apple has continued to officially not announce or directly mention the iTV. Maybe, if Apple ever does release a television set after letting the rumor mill go for years speculating about it, Tim Cook can be Steve Jobs – at least for a few minutes.
Happy New Year.