AAPL News Capsule

February 2nd, 2013 · 1 Comment · General Detritus

If you’re tired of reading analysts up on their back legs honking about Apple’s stock price, just bookmark this page. Whenever you’re wondering what the analysts are saying, this covers it pretty thoroughly.

Apple’s stock price will increase or decrease next week as a result of Apple announcing or not announcing a new product category or reinventing or not reinventing another market. The stock price will go up or down also based on whether they buy back stock unless they don’t buy back enough stock and whether they pay or don’t pay an inadequate dividend. Investor confidence may or may not be affected by the alpha-numeric designator Apple puts on the next phone. This one is particularly touchy. If you’ll recall Apple was almost destroyed by introducing a phone called 4S instead of 5. When they finally introduced the iPhone 5 it pulled the company back from the edge of total self-annihilation. It was scary there for a while.

Apple’s share price will also be affected if Apple does or does not release an Apple branded television. Because something something market share something blah blah reinvent yada yada yada Sony.

The iPod supercalifragilistic expialidocious declining badonkaadonk iPhone, iPad fewer units. Very frightened. Stock. Yes, stock.

The iPad wockity wockity cannibalize Mac bazoom-zoom. Whoa. Down boy. Some other analyst said, “I ordered bacon, dammit. And since when is THAT over easy?”

iMac boogawooga MacPro wheeeeeee market share market share market share ding ding ding Dell, H-P, Acer, Asus. Up down up down. Microsoft.

Windows 8 badabada tablet doobie doobie do market share.

Marketsharemarketsharemarketsharemarketsharemarketsharemarketsharemarket sharemarketsharemarketsharemarketsharemarketsharemarketsharemarketshare.

Here’s my analysis:

Apple makes a metric ass-ton of money.

Apple has a whole bunch of money.

Apple doesn’t owe anybody any money.

The current P/E ratio is about 10ish.

I hate that I don’t have enough money to buy a few thousand shares. Because if I did, I would.

In other news:

Tim Cook has still not become Steve Jobs. I’ve read it all over the internet, so I know it’s true. I also thought it was important that I include it here; it seems to be compulsory. I haven’t actually received instructions, but everybody else seems compelled to mention it, no matter if the topic is baseball or healing with quartz. Based on my recent research it’s only a matter of time until “http” is replaced with “timcookisnotstevejobs” in the address bar.

You can lead a horse to water.

And? What do you want? A feckin’ certificate?

I’m still using an iPhone 4S. It still works fine. It still runs the most recent version of iOS.

There’s a football game in New Orleans tomorrow. The Superblow is between the San Francisco 49ers and the Baltimore Ravens. It would be difficult to put together a game between two teams that I’m less interested in watching.

The only reason I’m watching it at all is the same reason I can occasionally watch NASCAR (rednecks turning left), the possibility of seeing an overpaid idiot getting creamed. If Ray Lewis drives Colin Kaepernick into the turf like a tent stake, I don’t want to watch it on a highlight reel unless I’ve seen the live, unedited version first.


One Comment so far ↓

  • Bimjo

    Classic Rip schtuff.

    But let’s get this NASCAR description straight. It’s “Rednecks go fast, turn left.”

    Thanks, I’m all better now.