Apple’s Finances

February 8th, 2013 · No Comments · General Detritus

Well, it seems Apple has a new advisor on the financial front – a fellow by the name of Foghorn, or something like that, hedge fund manager. This Foghorn fellow seems to think he has the answer Apple needs to fix up their shareholders. He says he has a really good relationship with Apple. My source, Deep Somethingorother, has provided the gist of the advice he’s given Apple.

Liss – I say listen to me when I’m talkin’ to you son. Y’got share holders and the share holders are holdin’ shares ’cause they expect to turn a profit. Look at me when I’m talking to you, boy. (Nice kid, but about as sharp as a pound of wet liver) If the share holders don’t think they’re gonna make money they stop bein’ share holders. Now – pay attention boy, I ain’t talkin’ just to hear my head roar – what you have is a big pile of money. And you’re just settin’ on it. I’m over here, son. What you gotta do is give that money to the share holders so they’ll keep being share holders. Then when it looks like share holders are makin’ money, lotsa other people will want to be share holders. Juss – I say – just settin on all that money reminds me of Paul Revere’s ride. A little light in the belfry. That, I say, that was a joke son. I keep pitchin’ ‘em and you keep missin’ ‘em. Preferred shares, boy, that’ll keep ‘em on the farm. Ya gotta issue preferred shares. That’ll let the share holders know you’re serious about giving up some of that cash. Look at me when I’m talkin’ to ya, boy (nice mannered kid, but a little on the dumb side).

I don’t really understand the concept of preferred shares, but Foghorn either has filed, or plans to file, a lawsuit against Apple because they aren’t doing what he thinks they should do with their money. It’s probably unrelated, but AAPL went up today. Actually, I think it’s up for the week. I’d check, but that constitutes research.

I’m eagerly anticipating the results of his idiotic lawsuit.

I hope he keeps his feathers numbered.

In unrelated news, Windows 8 is toast.

Nemo is screwing up the launch of one model of Microsoft’s Surface thingies. As near as anyone can tell, nobody is buying them, anyway. I keep watching for Windows 8 phones in the wild. So far, nothing.

Dell won’t be publicly traded any more. It’s going private.

Dammit. I was hoping the price would come down just a little farther. It was almost cheap enough to start including share certificates in packages of TOPPS.

Apple is rumored to be planning the iPhone 5S and the iPhone 6 for this year. This according to people who are 0 – 40% correct on their guesses about what Apple’s going to do next. Deep Somethingorother tells me they’re not going to be numbered anymore. Apple’s going to give iPhones feminine names and iPads masculine names, alphabetically, starting with “A.” So, the two iPhones introduced this year will be the Alice and the Beatrice. The next version of the iPad (which will finally ship with a SCSI port) will be Abner.

An all time favorite, from back when the “M” in MTV didn’t stand for Morons.


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