We did it. We survived the horrible onslaught of…

Wait for it…

A virus.

That’s right. We survived Flashback.

Damn. Tuck your shirt in. Fix your hair. You have a booger showing.

Flashback attacked. It’s a drive-by Trojan. You don’t have to give it administrator permission to install. Stay connected to the internet for your updates. It won’t be long before the punditbots get up on their back legs and start honking about us smug Mac people getting our comeuppance. And it’s true, we’re not immune from viruses. Here’s the thing though – we’re more immune in OS X (pick a version) than any version of Windows. Security by obscurity? Okay. Fine. Does that mean fewer attacks? Yeah. So color me smug. Not stupid, but pretty self-satisfied nevertheless.

I’ve been using the free version of VirusBarrier for about a year. Yesterday I downloaded the Pro version for five bucks.

Why? The company that sells it, Intego, was one of the first to issue warnings about Flashback and the vulnerability it exploits. Also, since I already have the free version, it was a familiar interface. Also, it’s in the Mac App Store. That just makes me feel okay about it.

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According to Intego, most of the attacks have been reported on Snow Leopard. If you’re running Lion, your odds are pretty good that you didn’t get bit.

It attacks through a Java vulnerability in Safari. If you need Java, download the update from Software Updates. If you don’t need Java, turn it off in the Safari Preferences. I did both. If it turns out that anything I need uses Java, I’ll deal with it then.

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If you don’t have virus protection on your Mac, you’re being foolish. Having said that, it isn’t time to panic. The number of viruses that can self-install on a Mac is now up to one (1), and with reasonable vigilance it isn’t a problem. Just to give you an idea how unworried I am, I’m having a beer and eating pistachios. Does that sound anxious, nervous, worried, edgy, tense, stressed out, frightened, panicky, fretful, or even uneasy?  If it does, I’ll have another.

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And just in case you think you’re having a strange day, at least you aren’t operating on a snake.

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Apple’s stock closed at a new all-time high, today.

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Consumer Reports says that, in spite of the fact that they use their new iPad to pop popcorn, the whole heat thing is overblown and it’s a pretty good tablet (as tablets go).

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There is all kinds of babble about a new iPhone. The tech press has  gotten to the point where they can’t even think of legitimate reasons why Apple is going to die anymore. The best they’ve been able to come up with lately is to weakly (and I do mean weakly) snivel about Apple’s naming conventions for new gadgets.

People are pissed. If you think the Trayvon Martin thing is ugly, y0u should have been reading all the people up in arms that they didn’t get an iPhone 5. Son of a bitch. I haven’t heard this much sniveling since Al Gore fired Keith Olbermann, and that was only last week. If you missed it, the crowd was oppressive and had washed down beans with cheap beer the previous day. They smelled like they were occupying a smallish room, yet they possessed the self-righteousness of a Tim Tebow rally and the pure class of a New Orleans Saint’s pregame bounty meeting.

“Where the feck is my iPhone 5, dogdammit?”

“I bought a 4 because I wanted a 5. FECK 4S!”

“Apple has lost its innovative edge. 4S is less innovative than 5.”

“Who ordered pepperoni and mushrooms?”

Then Apple had the temerity to introduce the new iPad. No number. No letter. No version. Just new iPad. I’m serious. Can you imagine the outcry? The tech press was apoplectic. They had a number in mind. Apple didn’t just screw them out of the number they’d decided on; Apple shit the whole numbering scheme. The tech press is screwed. They don’t even have anything to use to make up a useful number for the next edition.

Oh, wait. yes they can. They can agree amongst themselves what the next version will be called, and then yell at each other when Apple fails to acknowledge their nomenclature, or, for that matter to even overtly acknowledge that they exist.

The rest of us can just laugh.

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At some point, if Master Jobst Fimil’s vision is true, the tech geeks will begin to braise in their own juices in the pot they forged. Apple is going to stop dating and uniquely naming its products. iWork, iLife, iPad, iPod, and iMac will be what you have. No numbers. What year did you buy it? Is the software up to date? Your average grocery checker does not care and cannot converse in all that. Your hairdresser wants to check her Facebook and repost her favorites on Pinterest. All that other crap is for the geeks the Master was not about. Apple is quickly moving away from “specs.” Specs are for developers.

Here’s an exercise: Ask the next ten people you talk to, “What is a Hertz?” Spell it for them if you want to. If you happen to work in a roomful of geeks, you’ll be lucky if half of them get it right.

Of the ones who get it right, how many can correctly guess the meanings of Giga and Mega? (Powers of 10 – 9 and 6, respectively)

Assuming you get one or two right answers, shoot for Tera, Peta, and Exa. (12, 15, and 18)

I’ll bet the rest of my sandwich and a cold glass of beer you won’t get the right answer for Hertz from your nearest CIO.

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Hertz = Cycles per second.

Homework: How many bits in a byte, and how many bytes in a kilobyte?  (1000 is wrong)

Suggest to your “nerd-wannabe” friends who don’t know this stuff that it isn’t that hard to learn to play banjo.

I’d like to apologize for my fellow typists. They’re largely morons.

Everyone, including a homeless man in Des Moines, Iowa, is speculating on the features and the name of the next iteration of the iPhone. Most of them have blogs. I mean, if I have one why shouldn’t they. The point I need to make is that Apple has announced zero (that’s a zero followed by as many zeros as you have available) features of the new iPhone. Also, they haven’t named it, although I hear they’re torn between Zachary and Ezekiel if it’s a boy. If it’s a girl everyone has pretty much agreed on Elizabeth. That was supposed to be funny. If you’re not laughing go read it again.

My operative on the inside (Deep Somethingorother) has determined that the new product will be named, simply, Phone. Apple is dropping the “i” because it’s no longer necessary. Everyone with an entry level intellect has already acknowledged that you either have an iPhone or you have – at best – second-tier junk. Entry-level intellect is not required to write for CNet, ZDNet, or to be Raw Benderly. So Apple has decided to leave it to the others to name their products after condoms and celestial bodies in order to differentiate their crappy imitations from one another. The Moto-Uranus ad campaign should be killer. The Apple Phone will just be the Phone. Everything else will exist in the hodgepodge that is the cell phone market.

There’s a rumor that Microsoft and Nokia are considering a buyout of RIM. Somebody, somewhere said that this might result in Windows 8 running on BlackBerries. Great idea. Let’s say we compare this to cars racing. For the sake of comparison, let’s say that the iPhone and Android are similar conventional race cars in a dead heat (Hey. It’s my analogy). Microsoft/Nokia wants to enter a new car in the race. It’s a solar powered school bus with a sail. You go, kids.

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The feature set of the next iPhone:

Pannini maker

Cigar cutter

Accurate to a depth of 15 atmospheres

As well as an oleophobic screen, the new iPhone will come with several other intense irrational fears – Agraphobia, Alektorophobia, Anglophobia, Anthropophobia, Cathisophobia, Coprophobia, Defecaloesiphobia, Erythrophobia (which shouldn’t be a problem as long as they stick with white and black), Graphophobia, Helminthophobia, Ichthyophobia, Necrophobia, Nyctohlophobia, Oneirogmophobia, Pteronophobia (I’m actually a Pteronophile. I prefer duck), Trichopathophobia, Walloonphobia, and Zemmiphobia.

Siri will speak 73 languages fluently, including that “paaawk the caaw” shit they do in Massachussets. In the south it will be able to understand “Guh Hod Day Yum” and be able to equate it to “Darn.” Also in the south it will be able to automatically recognize “Dal” as “Daryl.” In Great Britain, Siri will translate “bugger off” to “Thank you for calling.”

The new iPhone will call in sick with an original story at the touch of a button.

If you need an ass kicked, the new iPhone has Clint Eastwood and Chuck Norris on speed dial. The Presidential Option will have both, in case you have nuked a country and their government is still belligerent.

Waffle slicer

Mortar and pestle

Parental controls, including a Bieber screener.

Green (also orange, blue, purple, mauve, slate grey, and eggshell)

The new iPhone will also come with a built in guilt complex about working conditions in Asian countries.

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The new Microsoft iPad killer will be made with a new process that uses unicorn testicles to extract unobtainium from moon rocks to produce a wildly mediocre device capable of doing almost everything an iPad can do, for only a slightly higher price. It should be available some time later. Don’t be so impatient. Shit.

I was kidding about Linux and Android. When Linux shows up on a tablet, Apple will already be onto something else. And Android just sucks.

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Sucks.

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Another story that’s trending is “Is Tim Cook going to make it as the CEO of Apple?” I’m serious. Master Timco Jocha has essentially been running the company for about 8 years. I think he’s got it. Those of you with nothing to write about, move on. All you do is insult the typing trade with your nonsensical horseshit.

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What else was I going to honk about? Oh. yeah. Apple is paying a dividend, now. I know I’ve mentioned this. There are some financial website punditbots and fundtards up on their back legs barking that it’s too small. They’re idiots. If you have 400 shares of Apple, bought in 1999 at a split-adjusted $6/share, the dividend works out to about $1000/quarter. That’s way more than I’m getting from my PG stock.

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Screw mellow.

Man. Am I ever getting sick of the tech/financial press. What a bunch of peons.

For the last two or three years, all anyone can say is, “Apple should pay a dividend or buy back a bunch of stock.” Today, Master Timco Jocha announces a stock buy back and a dividend. The tech press and the financial press exclaimed in unison,”It ain’t much but it’s a start.” The horde always calls Apple’s cash a “hoard,” which is what untalented typists do when they’re whored. The fact is, Apple has earned a pretty nice little war chest over the last 15 or so years. They did it by selling products to individuals – not IT departments, not CIOs – individuals. Apple gathered that money selling one iPod and one song to one person at a time. The fundtards and punditbots never jump to that. All they can do – now that they can’t really declare Apple dead anymore – is scream about how Apple has too much money.

I’d link something but what would be the point? If you’re reading this, you’ve already heard of the internet. It’s all over the internet. The hell of it is, we don’t know if Tim Cook had a fresh shave or if his shirt was tucked in for the conference call. That got reported when the new iPad was demoed.

Here’s what we do know: Tim Cook is the CEO of Apple. He’s taking the best information and advice he can get and making decisions. He’s not sitting around wringing his hands wondering what Steve would do. Also, he’s not taking the dividend for his unvested RSU. That stands for Restricted Stock something-or-other (starts with a U). I’d look it up but I don’t really care. The point is, he doesn’t seem to be too worried about feathering his own nest.

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In more important news, the new iPad sold 3,000,000 SKUs in three days. Nobody is announcing a shortage. There are plenty. Stores still have them in stock.

You can go get one if you want one. My old first gen iPad is still doing an excellent job of what I want it to do, so I’ll wait a while. There’s no rush.

Oh yeah, and AAPL closed over 600 today.

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Not too long ago I read on the innertubes that this year is expected to be a major hardware refresh year for PCs.

Rumor has it that Dell, H-P, and some of the other PC manufacturers are kind of counting on a big cash influx from lots of CIOs buying lots of new Windows machines.

Sometimes the jokes just write themselves.

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Dear Mike Daisey,

You have met all the necessary qualifications to be considered a “Lying Piece of Shit.”

You say anything you want; scream from the rooftops that it’s the unvarnished truth. Then, when you’re caught in the lie, just call it artistic license; you can’t tell the  truth without lying. You have to make up most of the facts in your stories in order to make sure they convey that kernel of truth – the essence of what you have to say. Scumbag.

Face it, your show is a flaming sack of shit at the front door of America.

You’d probably be honored to be compared to Michael Moore, another fly-covered truckload of dung, and by golly you’ve earned it.

Love,

The last smoldering ashes of your lost integrity.

P.S. Your dignity was going to contribute, but that was gone a long time ago.

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It’s a good day for chillin’…