Can’t Find My Way Home

April 19th, 2015 · General Detritus

I don’t know what’s going on. I’m lost. I’m confused. I’m starting to feel like I should walk naked into the woods to atone for the sin of having been born. Not really, but still. The stupidity is starting to get to me.

I was over on MacDailyNews. I always go there. They work really hard to make sure they report every word spoken about Apple on the innertubes. The site is maturing, though. That’s a little scary. It’s possible to read the comments now without the discussion degrading to “The Homophobic Racist Right” against “The Baby Killing Tax-and-Spend Left.” It’s only a matter of time before the site becomes a place where the comments are sparse and worthy of reading for more than sick entertainment.

Anyway, there was a thing on there about Yosemite being six months old. A new review. The comments make it sound like Yosemite sucks. It sucks compared to older versions of the operating system. Somebody in the comments called it Apple’s “Vista.” That’s not nice. I’d link the whole thing, but let’s be fair, you aren’t really interested or you wouldn’t be reading this in the first place.

Here’s the thing I want to know: What’s better than Yosemite that’s available right now? What current operating system is better than Yosemite that you can download and install on a currently viable computer? Windows? 7? 8.whatever? 10? Please.

Shut up.


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Zip. Flop.

April 17th, 2015 · General Detritus

Everywhere you look the Watch is a flop. I’ve been reading. All over the innertubes you can find stories that tell how Apple is screwed up because of the introduction of the Watch. A lot of the older stuff about how the device is technically inferior, ugly, useless, of no particular value has made its way forward into the modern vernacular, but it has been multiplied by the fact that there aren’t enough of the the nasty, useless things for everybody who wants to buy one.

So, to put this in perspective the  Watch suffers from two major problems:

  1. Nobody will want one.
  2. Apple didn’t make enough of them to satisfy demand.

Also, there is some bad science suggesting that it might cause cancer. No. Seriously. It’s out there.

You can’t recover from that.

Not to mention that it’s technologically inferior to the next version that will inevitably replace the current version.

Apple is doomed.


I’m not selling any shares of Apple.


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 Watch Debuts

April 10th, 2015 · General Detritus

For those who doubt: The  Watch is sold out. Apple opened up pre-orders this morning at the stroke of midnight, and the dogdamn thing sold out like eleven seconds later. Okay, maybe that’s a slight exaggeration, but it’s close. You could still get one or two  Watch Editions for five or six minutes, but if you want an  Watch in a hurry head to Ebay and be ready to pay a hefty profit to the lucky bastards who beat you to Apple Dot Com.

We’re going to open a hamburger stand in Montesano, Washington. Planned opening day is May 8.

If you want to eat the best hamburger in this quadrant of the Milky Way, you’ll have to come to Gene’s Stop & Go to get it. Don’t worry. If you find your way to Montesano, you’ll find Gene’s. We’re four blocks west of the stop light. We’ll also have milkshakes, soft-serve ice cream cones, fresh cut potato french fries, and, of course, Coca-Cola products.

We will not sell Maine lobster, blue crab, prime rib, hush puppies, gumbo, calamari, gyros, latkes, gefilte fish, lutefisk, poutine, sushi, taquitos, grits, New York strips, pancakes, or egg rolls.

Hamburgers, fries, fountain. We’ll have hot dogs, Boca burgers, and we’ll do “lettuce wraps” instead of buns for the gluten-free crowd – but that about exhausts the list of specialty items for now.

We’re still moving in to our new home. With any luck, this will be the weekend I hook up the home entertainment system. The weirdest thing is that I’ve been without my iMac for a couple of weeks and I’ve suffered no withdrawal symptoms. The MacBook Pro is doing a fine job. I do sort of miss the 27″ billboard I’m accustomed to using, but all in all this is just fine. The dining room table is closer to the beer supply than my office – a definite asset.



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Indiana Wants Me?

March 31st, 2015 · General Detritus

Note to Tim Cook:


First of all, I love you man. But you’re on the wrong side of this one, dude.

Christians believe the Bible calls homosexual relations sinful. Christians believe that marriage is the divine consecration of sexual relations between a man and a woman. Ergo, Christians believe that having a “wedding” to perform a “marriage” of people for homosexual relationships is beyond wrong. Christians believe that “Gay Marriage” is a depraved mockery of a central tenet of their religious faith. Christians don’t want to participate in those proceedings because it makes them part of a depraved mockery of their religious beliefs. You need to get that. Seriously. If you don’t get that, you’re not qualified to be in the discussion.

That isn’t hate. Trying to pass laws that force people to participate in a depraved mockery of their religious beliefs is hateful.

Killing people for being homosexual is hate. That’s what happens in Muslim countries living under Sharia Law. Courage is taking on the whole Middle East for murdering people for the sin of homosexuality. That would require some chutzpah and some nerve. While you’re there, why don’t you do something about the genital disfigurement and general oppression of women. I mean, come on. If you’re going to take on big issues, take on big issues. If you want to fight hate, go fight some real hate. Hate, where people are killed because they behave differently. Hate, where people are killed because they are Sunni instead of Shiite and vice versa.

Thinking you’re taking on hate because some Christian won’t bake you a cake or do your flower arrangements is just gay.


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Unbecoming Steve Jobs Stuff

March 30th, 2015 · General Detritus

Some of you may have read “Becoming Steve Jobs.” I did. I liked it. There’s a lot of stuff out there being said about the book. A lot of people think that because the actual people who knew him think it’s a good book it must be just a cultish hagiography.

I didn’t think it painted Steve Jobs as a saint, by any stretch. It said he was an asshole when he was young and got to be somewhat less of an asshole as he got older. Kind of like human beings do. Maybe he was one of us, after all. He started out not knowing anything about operating a multi-billion dollar business and gradually learned by screwing up how to do it. He started out not knowing how to manage a team of highly intelligent and motivated talent, and after pissing in a lot of peoples’ Wheaties® he got better at it.

He raised kids. Reports are that they’re normal. You’ll notice they don’t show up much in National Enquirer or Weekly World News.

Near the end of the book, Steve Jobs seems like pretty much of a normal human being if you stipulate going in that he was way, way, way smarter than most of the rest of us.

Tim Cook says it’s a good read and a much better picture of the real guy than the Isaacson thang. Tim Cook actually knew Steve Jobs. It seems to me that he’d be better suited to make that observation than all the sucky-toads who are yammering about the book being a cultish piece.

 Watch.  Watch.  Watch.  Watch.  Watch.

I read somewhere that if you are buying the  Watch Edition they’re going to treat you to some “red carpet.” Well, duh. If you have more money than brains, you want to be treated like you’re somehow more worthy than the hoi polloi. You’re going to pay $10,000.00 or more for a device that does the exact same things as a device you can buy for less than $400.00. You need your butt kissed. You need people to know just how God-awful rich you are. And they need to defer to the rich person on a regular basis. There is zero reason for buying an  Watch Edition if you’re going to hide it under the cuff of your sleeve. Zero.

I’ve never lusted after a Rolex, either, just to be fair. They’re ugly.

Apple TV is in the news again. Please hurry. I am so ready for TV to work the way it should. I’ll happily pay for something I want to watch if I can get it without ads. Really. Especially now. I’m at the end of toleration for prescription drug ads. They spend the first 10 seconds telling you how wonderful they are and then three or four minutes telling you all the side effects – none of which ever include “spontaneous orgasms,” or “hair returning to its original color from grey,” or “sudden disappearance of belly fat.”

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Wanna Buy a Watch?

March 19th, 2015 · General Detritus

 Watch.

There. I said it.


Every company who makes anything electronic is going to introduce something that sits on your wrist. Everybody. Microsoft has the “Band,” now. The Band isn’t really a watch. It isn’t really a band, either, I mean not like the Moody Blues is a band, anyway. Except the Microsoft Band probably also won’t get in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, but at least that won’t be a huge travesty. Green Day is in the HOF and not the Moody Blues. That’s a travesty. The Microsoft Band is a wrist thing with a whole bunch of sensors that send data to Redmond to help them figure out how to sell you copies of Windows.

That’s in addition to wrist things from Samsung and Motorola and various others.

The people who already make wrist stuff – Timex, Swatch, TAG Heuer, Rolex, Bulova, Casio, Fossil – are all trying to figure out how to cash in on the new wave of gadgetry.

It’s only a matter of time before GE, Intel, RCA, Sony, Westinghouse, Kenmore, Whirlpool, Black & Decker, Bosch, KitchenAid, and Dyson start making stuff to put on your wrist.

I can’t wait.

Somebody in a foreign country has designed a flying car. Seriously. You’re gonna need to save your milk money for more than a few weeks to get one.

Apple. TV. Apple. TV. It’s all the rage to talk about Apple and TV. Apple has been building massive server farms all over the place. Great monstrous monoliths of yottabytes of data storage. They’re putting in their own power plants to operate the dogdamn things. Who thinks all that is there for mp3 storage and iWork backups?

Apple is about to expose cable as the racket that it is. Comcast is reportedly planning to withhold NBC stuff from Apple. For an analogy, let’s say Apple is going to start a market that sells cars. New cars, used cars, all makes and models, classics and clunkers. In order to flex its considerable muscle, Comcast is going to withhold the only brand it owns – Yugo.

This is going to be fun to watch.

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