 Watch Debuts

April 10th, 2015 · General Detritus

For those who doubt: The  Watch is sold out. Apple opened up pre-orders this morning at the stroke of midnight, and the dogdamn thing sold out like eleven seconds later. Okay, maybe that’s a slight exaggeration, but it’s close. You could still get one or two  Watch Editions for five or six minutes, but if you want an  Watch in a hurry head to Ebay and be ready to pay a hefty profit to the lucky bastards who beat you to Apple Dot Com.

We’re going to open a hamburger stand in Montesano, Washington. Planned opening day is May 8.

If you want to eat the best hamburger in this quadrant of the Milky Way, you’ll have to come to Gene’s Stop & Go to get it. Don’t worry. If you find your way to Montesano, you’ll find Gene’s. We’re four blocks west of the stop light. We’ll also have milkshakes, soft-serve ice cream cones, fresh cut potato french fries, and, of course, Coca-Cola products.

We will not sell Maine lobster, blue crab, prime rib, hush puppies, gumbo, calamari, gyros, latkes, gefilte fish, lutefisk, poutine, sushi, taquitos, grits, New York strips, pancakes, or egg rolls.

Hamburgers, fries, fountain. We’ll have hot dogs, Boca burgers, and we’ll do “lettuce wraps” instead of buns for the gluten-free crowd – but that about exhausts the list of specialty items for now.

We’re still moving in to our new home. With any luck, this will be the weekend I hook up the home entertainment system. The weirdest thing is that I’ve been without my iMac for a couple of weeks and I’ve suffered no withdrawal symptoms. The MacBook Pro is doing a fine job. I do sort of miss the 27″ billboard I’m accustomed to using, but all in all this is just fine. The dining room table is closer to the beer supply than my office – a definite asset.

 

 

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Indiana Wants Me?

March 31st, 2015 · General Detritus

Note to Tim Cook:

 

First of all, I love you man. But you’re on the wrong side of this one, dude.

Christians believe the Bible calls homosexual relations sinful. Christians believe that marriage is the divine consecration of sexual relations between a man and a woman. Ergo, Christians believe that having a “wedding” to perform a “marriage” of people for homosexual relationships is beyond wrong. Christians believe that “Gay Marriage” is a depraved mockery of a central tenet of their religious faith. Christians don’t want to participate in those proceedings because it makes them part of a depraved mockery of their religious beliefs. You need to get that. Seriously. If you don’t get that, you’re not qualified to be in the discussion.

That isn’t hate. Trying to pass laws that force people to participate in a depraved mockery of their religious beliefs is hateful.

Killing people for being homosexual is hate. That’s what happens in Muslim countries living under Sharia Law. Courage is taking on the whole Middle East for murdering people for the sin of homosexuality. That would require some chutzpah and some nerve. While you’re there, why don’t you do something about the genital disfigurement and general oppression of women. I mean, come on. If you’re going to take on big issues, take on big issues. If you want to fight hate, go fight some real hate. Hate, where people are killed because they behave differently. Hate, where people are killed because they are Sunni instead of Shiite and vice versa.

Thinking you’re taking on hate because some Christian won’t bake you a cake or do your flower arrangements is just gay.

 

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Unbecoming Steve Jobs Stuff

March 30th, 2015 · General Detritus

Some of you may have read “Becoming Steve Jobs.” I did. I liked it. There’s a lot of stuff out there being said about the book. A lot of people think that because the actual people who knew him think it’s a good book it must be just a cultish hagiography.

I didn’t think it painted Steve Jobs as a saint, by any stretch. It said he was an asshole when he was young and got to be somewhat less of an asshole as he got older. Kind of like human beings do. Maybe he was one of us, after all. He started out not knowing anything about operating a multi-billion dollar business and gradually learned by screwing up how to do it. He started out not knowing how to manage a team of highly intelligent and motivated talent, and after pissing in a lot of peoples’ Wheaties® he got better at it.

He raised kids. Reports are that they’re normal. You’ll notice they don’t show up much in National Enquirer or Weekly World News.

Near the end of the book, Steve Jobs seems like pretty much of a normal human being if you stipulate going in that he was way, way, way smarter than most of the rest of us.

Tim Cook says it’s a good read and a much better picture of the real guy than the Isaacson thang. Tim Cook actually knew Steve Jobs. It seems to me that he’d be better suited to make that observation than all the sucky-toads who are yammering about the book being a cultish piece.

 Watch.  Watch.  Watch.  Watch.  Watch.

I read somewhere that if you are buying the  Watch Edition they’re going to treat you to some “red carpet.” Well, duh. If you have more money than brains, you want to be treated like you’re somehow more worthy than the hoi polloi. You’re going to pay $10,000.00 or more for a device that does the exact same things as a device you can buy for less than $400.00. You need your butt kissed. You need people to know just how God-awful rich you are. And they need to defer to the rich person on a regular basis. There is zero reason for buying an  Watch Edition if you’re going to hide it under the cuff of your sleeve. Zero.

I’ve never lusted after a Rolex, either, just to be fair. They’re ugly.

Apple TV is in the news again. Please hurry. I am so ready for TV to work the way it should. I’ll happily pay for something I want to watch if I can get it without ads. Really. Especially now. I’m at the end of toleration for prescription drug ads. They spend the first 10 seconds telling you how wonderful they are and then three or four minutes telling you all the side effects – none of which ever include “spontaneous orgasms,” or “hair returning to its original color from grey,” or “sudden disappearance of belly fat.”

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Wanna Buy a Watch?

March 19th, 2015 · General Detritus

 Watch.

There. I said it.

….

Every company who makes anything electronic is going to introduce something that sits on your wrist. Everybody. Microsoft has the “Band,” now. The Band isn’t really a watch. It isn’t really a band, either, I mean not like the Moody Blues is a band, anyway. Except the Microsoft Band probably also won’t get in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, but at least that won’t be a huge travesty. Green Day is in the HOF and not the Moody Blues. That’s a travesty. The Microsoft Band is a wrist thing with a whole bunch of sensors that send data to Redmond to help them figure out how to sell you copies of Windows.

That’s in addition to wrist things from Samsung and Motorola and various others.

The people who already make wrist stuff – Timex, Swatch, TAG Heuer, Rolex, Bulova, Casio, Fossil – are all trying to figure out how to cash in on the new wave of gadgetry.

It’s only a matter of time before GE, Intel, RCA, Sony, Westinghouse, Kenmore, Whirlpool, Black & Decker, Bosch, KitchenAid, and Dyson start making stuff to put on your wrist.

I can’t wait.

Somebody in a foreign country has designed a flying car. Seriously. You’re gonna need to save your milk money for more than a few weeks to get one.

Apple. TV. Apple. TV. It’s all the rage to talk about Apple and TV. Apple has been building massive server farms all over the place. Great monstrous monoliths of yottabytes of data storage. They’re putting in their own power plants to operate the dogdamn things. Who thinks all that is there for mp3 storage and iWork backups?

Apple is about to expose cable as the racket that it is. Comcast is reportedly planning to withhold NBC stuff from Apple. For an analogy, let’s say Apple is going to start a market that sells cars. New cars, used cars, all makes and models, classics and clunkers. In order to flex its considerable muscle, Comcast is going to withhold the only brand it owns – Yugo.

This is going to be fun to watch.

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Next!

March 15th, 2015 · General Detritus

The  Watch cometh. Apple is releasing a new thing in just a couple of weeks. You can tell. The punditbots are going gorilla fecal matter over the thing. Most of the commentary I’ve read has been negative.

  • The  Watch will not sell well
  • The  Watch is ugly
  • The  Watch is technically inferior
  • The  Watch will further isolate us from humanity
  • The  Watch is satan
  • The  Watch will make you fat, lazy, and prematurely grey
  • The  Watch is not Steve Jobs
  • The  Watch has cooties
  • The  Watch is a booger-butt
  • The  Watch nanny-nanny-boo-boo

The list goes on and on. I read somewhere the Raw Benderly typed something about it, so you know the situation is getting stupid. The short answer is that the  Watch is probably going to sell like Reese’s Pieces on a fat farm. I will own one, and I haven’t worn anything on my wrist in almost 20 years.

Hillary Clinton can’t handle two email accounts? Seriously, boys and girls. If you can’t handle two email accounts, you need to have whoever is reading this to you take you back to bed where you can’t hurt yourself. If you’re running for President, don’t. Walk. And hold somebody’s hand.

The reason I haven’t been posting here lately is that I just retired from one job into another job and we’re moving 300 miles back to my hometown and everything is all higgledy-piggledy.

The next big thing that everybody will be squealing about is the  Car, which may or may not be called that if it ever even actually exists, which at the moment it doesn’t, but that won’t keep everyone from going on and on and on and on about the dogdamn thing. If it doesn’t fly, I don’t want one.

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Cognitive Dissonance.

March 1st, 2015 · General Detritus

Been reading around the innertubes again. I read a lot of stuff about AAPL the stock, and Apple the company. You might think they’re both the same thing, but you’d be an idiot. Apple innovates up cool stuff and sells it by the metric shit-ton. AAPL is going to fail, usually because Apple can’t innovate anything.

Frequently this cognitive dissonance passes as analysis. It usually starts with Apple announcing or not announcing some product. In the old days, Apple had to introduce a product for it to suck. The original iMac sucked because it didn’t have a 3.5″ disk drive. The original iPod sucked, just because Apple. Those were products that Apple actually introduced before everybody agreed they sucked. And if you go back and look, you can get a track record of who to go to for information on how Apple products will perform in the future. Now, at this juncture I’m just talking about Apple the company.

Over the years, the punditbots have changed the product names of the Apple stuff that sucks and that isn’t innovation. They all shout the same stuff into the same echo chamber. There are a few outliers, but they are statistical anomalies in excess of six standard deviations from the mean. You might wonder why I don’t add links to reference this. Try www.thewholefeckinginternet.com, and see what you find. Just type “Apple sucks” into any search engine except Google, because screw Google.

Apple the company, despite everything you’re likely to read, keeps building stuff and selling it faster than it can build it.

Dear Apple Punditbots,

You’re wrong. You’re stupid. You’re unoriginal.

Sincerely,

The brain cell that was responsible for reminding you to zip up your pants for the meeting yesterday.

 

As the stock price of AAPL has gone up continuously for the last sixteen years, fundtards have learned how to read punditbots. The fundtards all have iPhones because they don’t want to be out of style, but they still echo the punditbots’ doom and gloom about how Apple can’t innovate because Tim Cook is not Steve Jobs. Then they add marketshare Windows Android Google marketshare Samsung Xiaomi marketshare LG marketshare marketshare, all with the requisite stockmarketese (leveraged buyout. and bayseian inference, and quantize, etc.) Anyway, the result is about the same.

Neither the punditbots nor the fundtards get Apple.

The sum of the parts is huge. The sum of the parts is dwarfed by the whole. Steve Jobs saw the death of hard media coming when he came back to Apple in 1997. It’s possible to have a degree in computer science right now and to have never used magnetic media to save a file. A child born in the last couple of years may never see a piece of plastic used to transport media. Apple did that.

You can argue with that if you want to be wrong. After all, it’s a free country.

Now the  Watch is coming and the punditbots and fundtards are once again announcing the death of Apple.

The  Car hasn’t even been mentioned, much like the iPod before it. It’s going to kill Apple.

Apple is doomed.

Shit.

I’m buying.

 

 

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