New and Improved

March 10th, 2014 · General Detritus

Well, it finally happened. iOS 7.1 is on the street. It has updates, improvements, bug fixes, nude selfies of Justin Bieber, anything you could possibly want in an operating system for a thing in your pocket.

If you’re interested, you can find video clips of Justin Bieber giving a deposition. They’re all over the internet. I saw them on TMZ via a link on Facebook, just in case you’re wondering how boring this recovery is. The comment thread under the article with the videos is priceless. Everybody makes him out to be this huge villain because he’s being rude and dismissive to lawyers. He’s an extremely rich, pampered, smug, spoiled brat. Okay. Is the concept of “celebrity asshole” really new to anyone old enough to operate a web browser? And he’s talking to LAWYERS. He’s in a roomful of LAWYERS. Being an asshole in a roomful of lawyers isn’t really a crime, is it? I mean, you have to try to fit in, don’t you?

The worst part about the whole episode is that it’s being treated as news.

Who cares?

Apple TV has updated software, too. It’s supposed to make it easier to hide channels you don’t use. Also there’s supposed to be a channel for SXSW.

Apple is getting into the hearing aid business. They’ve hooked up with hearing aid company ReSound. Pretty soon everybody will want hearing aids because they’ll hook up to your phone wirelessly. You’ll be able to jam at your desk at work without anybody being able to see anything. It won’t be cheap, though. You’ll have to be serious about it, or get your health insurance to pay for them. Those bad boys are going to cost $3000 per ear or so.

I’ll find my way to a pair of them. I already wear hearing aids anyway, so I have an excuse going in.


This may have something to do with the deterioration of my auditory sense over the years. Thank goodness I still have plenty of pedal left to go. The volume knob still has room, and bigger speakers are always available.

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iWatch. iWait. iWonder.

March 3rd, 2014 · General Detritus

The entire internet is talking about Apple’s iWatch. For those of you who actually read the internet, it’s important to remember that there is no written record of anyone at Apple ever (EVER) mentioning the research, development, or existence of a prototype of anything like a watch. The reason this is important is perspective. The whole iWatch frenzy is media created.

Samsung has done their part trying to “lead the pack” into the smartwatch market with the “Gear.” I have not been able to find a non-sponsored review of the “Gear” that makes a smartwatch seem particularly more useful than a dumbwatch. I haven’t worn a wristwatch in almost twenty years, and it will take something truly magical to convince me to put something back on my wrist on a regular basis. The “Gear” ain’t it.

The Samsung Gear adds work to the day. It’s what a smartwatch is most likely to be, and it’s one more reason nobody is interested. It’s one more thing to charge. It’s one more thing to put on. It’s one more software/bluetooth glitch to deal with. It’ll tell you the time and it has a cute face – unless it dies at a moment when you’ve actually come to rely on it to do something important. Everything else it does may be interesting at cocktail parties, but it’s too unreliable for day-to-day use.

If the iWatch isn’t more than that, Apple won’t bother. Stupid pundit opinions be damned, Apple doesn’t introduce shiny things for the sake of shiny. If the thing doesn’t have function that justifies the form, it won’t get built.

The innertubes are alive with the sound of iOS in automobiles. If you have turned on a TV in the last month you’ve seen the hands-free SIRI ad for Chevrolet. Why does Chevrolet think that having SIRI read back embarrassing text messages in the car with your wife sitting in the passenger seat is a selling point? It’s a fair bet Apple didn’t consult on the ad, or was ignored. At any rate, iOS in the car is being talked about for premium car makers. It will be called CarPlay.

It will show off in Ferrari, Mercedes-Benz and Volvo this week at a car show somewhere. Later we’ll see it in more brands.

If you want to read a little more about it, Ars Technica has a short article that explains it.

One interesting thing about the article that’s worth noting – Ford is on the list of CarPlay partners. You have to read the whole article and get to the list at the bottom. It includes a pretty comprehensive list of car brands with Ford just casually included with no comment or analysis. I already read something, somewhere about Ford ditching Microsoft Sync in favor of Blackberry software. Now they show up as CarPlay partners. I don’t think I’ll sell any AAPL shares this week.

Tim Cook told a representative for a right-wing investor group to take a running fuck at the stockholders meeting last week. Please read the full exchange, here. You’ll see that Tim said it much better than that. He didn’t (as the right-wing press will have you believe) announce his belief in global warming, nor that anyone who doesn’t believe in global warming is an unwelcome investor. What he said was that he does what he thinks is right, first, and if ROI (return on investment) is your only concern you’re in the wrong stock investing in Apple.

The right-wing press is going off on Tim Cook for being a tree-hugger. This is one more reason to read the internet with your grain of salt handy. The knee-jerk conservatives and the global warming nazis have to disagree on everything, including the weather, the furniture, and the time of day. To listen to those two sides talking, you’re either shitting in the street or you’re hugging a tree. Any common sense in the middle, like, hey, my main reason for using renewable energy is it’s cleaner, cheaper, and more reliable in the long run, is heresy. There is nothing in the middle. You’re either raping the planet or you’re a viet cong sympathizing, pinko, pansy, one-world, egg-headed, bleeding-heart, commie bed-wetter (apologies to Don Imus). Pick one. Only one.

The opinion of this blogger has always been that global warming is a hoax. Most scientists who aren’t paid by companies that profit from the global warming hysteria agree that global warming is unproven. That doesn’t change the fact that burning oil and coal puts nasty crap into the air and we should be looking for alternative forms of energy production that don’t put nasty crap into the air. In the meantime, we have work to do.

You don’t have to learn the secret global warming nazi goose-step to see the common sense in finding cleaner ways to get things done.

Being a good steward of planet Earth and thinking Greenpeace is a bunch of assholes are two completely compatible activities.

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Re-entry. Apple is Doomed. DOOMED.

February 23rd, 2014 · General Detritus

Howdy all. I’m back, sort of. Just to catch you up on details, I had a quintuple heart bypass operation in December – two days before Christmas. Then a few days later I developed a staph infection at the surgery site. Over the next three weeks I had three more trips into the operating room, finishing up with cleaning the wound and plastic surgery to stitch my pectoral muscles and chest epidermis together in the middle.  The last surgery was about four weeks ago. I’m still eating a regular diet of codeine and acetaminophen from that one, but I’m feeling better. In a few days I’ll be cleared to operate a motor vehicle.

This is my first attempt at blogging since the whole mess started. And not a moment too soon, I maintain. I’ve been reading the innertubes whenever I can during this whole episode and it’s clear that in my absence Apple has lost its way. I’m pretty sure there’s a cause and effect involved, but I don’t want to jinx anything.

The first thing I’ve learned is that Samsung is going to release the Galaxy S5. Rumor has it that it will be larger and have a new and revolutionary technology – a fingerprint sensor in the home button. This would be bad enough but it turns out they’re also going to change the OS for the wildly successful Gear to Tizen from Android. This threatens to undermine Apple’s rumored iWatch because marketshare innovation P/E ratio earnings profit gross revenue market share market share market share Android Google. Frankly, I’m worried.

Amazon is working on a set top box. This threatens Apple TV because market share innovation P/E ratio earnings profit gross revenue market share market share market share Jeff Bezos Apple is the next Microsoft Amazon market share.

And don’t forget ecosystem. Ecosystem is vital here. I read it on the internet so it must be true.

Also read somewhere that Apple is the new Microsoft. This is because Apple sells stuff and their stock goes up and down just like Microsoft. It’s impossible to ignore the parallels. Microsoft has employees, so does Apple. They both, at different times have sold technology hardware and software to people. It’s inevitable that at some point Apple will have a fat, bald, sweaty, chair-throwing screamer for CEO. Also, one of the directions Apple’s stock might go is down, because  marketshare innovation P/E ratio earnings profit gross revenue market share market share market share Android Google Microsoft Office for iPad Surface Windows market share enterprise BYOD. It could also go up, except for the fact that Apple is doomed. If Apple wasn’t doomed its stock might go up, but it is doomed, so the stock can only go down.

No, really. It said so in Forbes or Barron’s or something like that. It was on the internet. You have to believe it.

Update: Tim Cook is not Steve Jobs. In case you missed that hot piece of news.


Paul Rodgers performs with Queen. Bohemian Rhapsody. Awesome song, excellent band, and if anyone can possibly fill in for Freddy, it’s Paul Rodgers. Paul Rodgers could sing a boat loan contract including the fine print and make it sound good.

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2013.

December 31st, 2013 · General Detritus

January –

Apple is doomed. According to an investment guy who says Apple needs to return more money  to the stockholders. In January, it was some guy named Foghorn Einhorn or something like that. My details are a little on the sketchy side. He won a court case. It had something to do with preferred stock. I just went back and re-read what I wrote about it then. You don’t have to.

February –

Apple is doomed. Analysts, stock pickers, tech gurus, bankers, bakers, automotive technicians, and trash collectors all agree that 2013 will be the year Apple introduces the iWatch. They must. They have to. The technology industry is whooshing past Apple in a blaze of glory introducing things that are going to make the eventual iWatch seem silly.

Also, in February, I discovered ancient runes remarking on calculations of Apple stock prices going forward. This is largely based on multiplying by the square root of negative one, and rounding results within the nearest eight significant digits. You have to be trying to get paid for hit pieces in order to apply the formula correctly.

March –

Apple has given no sign of an iWatch, an Apple-branded television, the iCar, and several other gadgets that people who do not innovate for a living define as innovation. Tim Cook has also not become Steve Cook yet, as of March. And, since there was no such thing as innovation before the birth of Steve Jobs, there cannot be any innovation left. Steve Jobs brought innovation into the world, and took it back out with him when he left.

Apple is doomed.

Sequester. In March this was a big word. Also, Harlem Shake.

April –

The iWatch is a total failure. Utter, total failure. I read it in Forbes.

“What iWatch?” You probably wonder.

Another month into 2013, and Tim Cooks is still not Steve Jobs.

Around about April began the announced departure of Darth Fester from Microsoft. As we enter 2014, his replacement is not being announced. I’d take the job if they offered, but they won’t. I’m too old.

May –

In May, I reported that WWDC was coming in June. This appears to have been true. I also don’t appear to have reported on anything else in May. Busy month.

June –

Apple failed to introduce a new earth-shaking doo-dah at the June WWDC.

Jas got her doctorate from the University of Washington and went to work in Texas within days.

Apple is doomed.

July –

This was the month I upgraded my work computer to Windows 7. If you ever (EVER) need a reminder of why Windows is dying, upgrade Windows on a network. Seriously. This is also the month we went to Canada on “vacation.” Canada started with great potential – English culture, French cuisine, and American technology. They ended up with English food, American culture, and French technology. Like Windows running on a Commodore 64.

August –

Analysts guessed Apple’s earnings for the quarter. It was up to Apple to get it right. They didn’t. The stock price changed.

September –

The only thing I noticed of any significance in September is that Microsoft Office products still use an image of a 3.5″ floppy disk as a “save” icon.

Really. It is possible for a person to have a degree in computer science and to have never have used a floppy drive.

I also noticed that several pundits said iOS7 blows monkey nuts. This has been terrible for Apple going forward.

October –

Moto-X all the time, everywhere.

Meh.

The Apple 5C will be given away on street corners to homeless people. Market share, people. Market share.

Mavericks. Good, modern operating system. Free.

Windows 8. Clunky, fragmented operating system. Price varies with feature set.

November –

Nobody has mentioned in several days that Tin Cook is not Steve Jobs. This is worrisome.

iWatch. Galaxy Gear.

Whatever your guess is on Apple’s coming technology, it has to better than the Gear.

December –

Over Christmas I treated myself to a quintuple bypass operation at the local hospital. Nice folks. I’m living under new rules. We’ll see how that plays out. For the moment, the budget will see some movement in the areas of beer and stogies.

Happy 2014.

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The Next iPhone

December 14th, 2013 · General Detritus

Speculation has begun on the next iteration of Apple’s entry into the  smartphone space. Some of the stuff out there is mind blowing. A lot of people are saying it will have a curved screen. Some folks think it will be larger a lá the Galaxy series, because if there’s anything we know Apple likes to do it’s to rip off design features from inferior crap. Right? Why isn’t there a punctuation mark for sarcasm.

One notion is that it will be made with sapphire glass and liquidmetal. That has something to do with the factory for making sapphire glass Apple just started up in Arizona. I think they’re making windshields for the iCar, but who am I?

The only thing anyone is really sure of is that the next iPhone will be called the iPhone 6. This is because 6 is numerically superior and sequential to 5, and Apple has already done 5S, and 5C. There has not yet been a 5G, however. There was a 4G. It’s entirely possible that Apple could do another 5 using some combination of other letters.  There are 403,291,461,126,606,000,000,000,000 combinations of letters possible, so Apple hasn’t actually exhausted the possibility of another iPhone 5, but the smart money is on iPhone 6

The iPhone six may have a new kind of display made of unicorn whiskers. It will charge wirelessly using latent electricity found in coffee cup rings and discarded tissues. Apps and Playlists will merge to form symbiotic relationships so that the phone will know what you want to hear while you’re playing Doodle Jump.

The iPhone 6 will be released on June 3, 2014 at 2:57 pm, PDT to Ron Carver of Duluth Minnesota.


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It Came Out of the Sky

December 3rd, 2013 · General Detritus

I went and found some stuff from the internet and brought it back here. This is really cool stuff. Honest.

There are rumors that Apple is considering a 12.9 inch iPad. Rumors….Apple…Considering…

… iWatch

… iTV

… cheap iPhone

… entry level MacBook

It may have a 4k display. It may be made out of flying unicorn down and rainbow resin.

Han Solo’s blaster from “The Empire Strikes Back” is apparently up for sale. Somebody will pay a gawdawful amount of money for the dogdamn thing. File that with competitive eating as a reason why other countries hate America. Of course, if that really mattered to anyone in America, they’d move there. Fuck ‘em.

Apple just bought Topsy, which apparently gives them access to Twitter’s data firehose. I don’t know what that means, but it sounds kinky as hell.

In 1975, if you mentioned in the school parking lot that you were interested in acquiring Twitter’s firehose, somebody would have to beat you up. Just because.

It seems that a large number of celebrity endorsements of Android crap are sent from iOS devices. Funny stuff.

The iCar is coming. It’s a Honda. Dang.

AAPL closed up like 15 bucks a share on no news, today. I didn’t sell any. For the record, I’m holding on to my TSLA stock, too. I’m not so much buying car sales as I am buying stock in Elon Musk. I’ve heard him speak. He strikes me as having the same salient characteristics that I liked about Steve Jobs. He’s smart, he has a vision of the future, and he has the big brass balls it takes to make it happen. I’m in.

 

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